This Halloween was the first Halloween in 5 years that we cut open a pumpkin….
We didn’t CARVE the pumpkin but we cut it open and scooped out the seeds.
You might be asking why this was such an important activity for us…
Steve was always the one that carved pumpkins with Jared and Shelby. I would stand by and tell them that it was gross, squishy and smelly. I would become the photographer and basically refuse to participate in the cleaning out of the pumpkin.
I DID, however, enjoy the fruits of their labor. After they cleaned out and carved the pumpkin, Steve would roast the seeds. I would complain that the seeds were too salty but I would eat them nonetheless and to be honest, I would love to taste some of Steve’s homemade pumpkin seeds today.
It was a yearly tradition that didn’t seem like a big deal.
When I think about it, we probably all have a lot of those little family moments that don’t seem like they are super important until they are no longer part of our lives…
We have accomplished so many things since we lost Steve to Covid. We have attended weddings, traveled out of the country and even braved killing rodents.
But, we had not carved a pumpkin ..
It’s weird when I think about it.
Why do the small things hit so hard sometimes?
Such a small thing was so very meaningful in my brain.
Steve worked a lot which meant I was responsible for most of the child rearing. But, I somehow always got him to carve the pumpkin with the kids.
It was “his” thing…
So, after he passed away, we just stopped carving pumpkins until this year….
When I brought home the pumpkins, Jared had a little smirk on his face and a glimmer in his eye and I knew what he was feeling without any words being said.
We BOTH felt this heavy weight surrounding the actual act of carving a pumpkin…
Jared didn’t really want to carve the pumpkin…
I think we kind of both wanted to keep the old memories…
But, to be honest, I REALLY wanted to roast the seeds…
Kinda silly I know….
So, we decided to just cut open the pumpkin and scoop out the seeds.
There would be no carving a face…just simple seed scooping.
As we sat side by side, scooping out the goop, I was reminded of memories of Halloween pasts…
The pictures of all of the past Halloweens played a slideshow in my brain..
We are a family that treasures our traditions and our memories and both of my children notice when a tradition is no longer carried out.
We all knew we no longer carved pumpkins but we just let it slide to the side of our minds…
But, at times, we have to find a new path and new ways to create traditions… even 5 years after our loss.
I forget where we have come from and what we have endured…
But then, the simple act of carving a pumpkin reminds me just how strong we are and how lucky we are to be able to create new traditions together.
So, when you are feeling a little scared and not sure how to move forward, go ahead and “carve the pumpkin”…
It might not look the same as years passed…
It might just be scooping out the seeds..
But it’s taking a step in the right direction and making new memories..
It’s okay to treasure past memories while creating new ones…
And you know what? The seeds were delicious!
