Paperwork

Today was one of those days that I was faced with the reality that my life has truly changed.

It seems as if some of our everyday moments, ones where you don’t really “think” about what you’re doing, are the moments that can catch you off guard and take your breath away.

I had a podiatrist appointment today. It is the same podiatrist I have gone to for several years but, today, they had me as a new patient.

That meant new patient paperwork. New patient paperwork is always tedious, never any fun and somewhat heart wrenching if you are a widow.

First of all, they asked me to define myself with a title.

Here were my choices:

Miss

Mrs.

Dr.

Mr.

I’m not 25, so I’m not a Miss…

I’m not technically married, so I’m not truly a Mrs.

I was super tempted to go with Dr., but that would be a stretch.

Then there was Mr..

Why is it that men don’t really have a title that indicates whether they are married or single? Straightforward. No emotional ties to their “title”. (Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent.)

Anyhow, that whole conundrum made me take pause and accept my reality as I struggled to define who I am by choosing a “title”.

Next, I had to name an Emergency Contact. My sister is now my Emergency Contact. But once again, this section was a reminder that I am a widow.

These papers got my head spinning and put my anxiety into overdrive, as I sat there hoping that my foot just required a quick fix and that I wouldn’t need any intensive treatment.

Worry set in…

What if I needed surgery?

Who was going to take care of me if I needed recovery time?

And then there was the section that asked my marital status and I had to write widow. It’s always hard to write that word.

But, I am a widow….

So, filling out these simple new patient papers in the Dr.’s waiting room, nearly brought me to tears.

AND I wasn’t even a new patient!

The staff and Dr. apologized for their error in entering me as a new patient.

But they had no clue about all of the emotions I experienced while filling out the paperwork.

Today, I was able to recognize and feel the sadness without giving into my grief. So while, it was hard for me to fill the papers out, I was still able to hand them to the receptionist without breaking into tears.

I wasn’t always able to do this.

I know that I am becoming stronger because I can now recognize and sit with my grief without letting it take over.

It is not easy to do this and there are definitely moments when I can’t hold it together and I HAVE to cry and give into my sadness.

But those moments are fewer and farther between.

I’ll be honest, when I DO give into my grief, it is not pretty.

It is often loud and super ugly but it clears my head and I can then move forward.

Filling out those papers today was sad.

But I did it and it really doesn’t matter if I am a Miss or Mrs.

I am Marci Schor.

No title needed.