Number One

While much of the time right after Steve passed away is a blur, one of my clearest memories is the intense fear of not having a “number one”.

Those were my exact words, “I don’t have a number one anymore.” I would literally repeat those words over and over to my sister.

I no longer had a person who had my back or looked out for me first.

I was terrified to face life alone.

I was nobody’s priority.

Those first few weeks, I spent most of my time in bed, just staring off into space.

I wasn’t ready to face my future.

Those of you that know me, know that I basically never sit still. But I just couldn’t motivate to do anything.

I couldn’t even focus on watching tv or reading a book.

I stopped eating.

I stopped working out.

I basically stopped living.

I am not proud of how far I dove into my sadness.

I was obsessed with what the students at school would call me. Was I still Mrs. Schor? Or was I now Ms. Schor?

When I went back to work, I literally could not write Mrs. Schor on the top of my papers when I was modeling name writing for my kindergartners.

I forgot that there was more to me than being a wife.

It took me awhile to decide that I needed to get back to living.

Steve’s death is our reality. I cannot change that, but I CAN make sure that we still have wonderful life experiences.

One of my most significant lessons has been that life is completely unpredictable and that we should try to take risks and do the things that we really love to do.

I gave Steve a gift card for a massage several years ago. He kept telling me that he was going to use it. But work and life just kept getting in the way so it just sat in his drawer.

We even laughed at the fact that the massage place might no longer be in business by the time he tried to get his massage.

He never got his massage.

It is still somewhere in a drawer.

I so wish he had gotten that massage and that we had traveled more and had gone to more plays and concerts.

It is heartbreaking to know how much life Steve missed out on.

So it is my job to make sure that my little pod of 3 lives life to its fullest.

I want my kids to take risks, and do things that fill their souls.

While a massage itself seems insignificant, it opened my eyes to how fragile life is.

While I was aware of life’s fragility, I struggled with showing my happiness.

I worried about what others would think if they heard me laugh or saw me enjoying my life.

I dare even say, at times, I hid my joy.

But then, I was in our school office one day and I made a typical snarky Marci comment to our secretaries.

Later that day, a friend told me that after I left, one of the secretaries had smiled and said, “I think we have our Marci back.”

That one small comment filled my heart.

I realized people wanted “me” back.

While some people might have thought I should still be in mourning, I now knew others were cheering me onto recovery.

Seize the day sounds cheesy but it is so very powerful to take control of your life, be with the people you love and do the things that fill your soul.

My family has taken a journey that no family should have to take but I can proudly say that we have done it with grace, strength and dignity.

I have learned that I don’t need a “number one”.

I AM MY NUMBER ONE.

If you are struggling with grief, grant yourself grace in the process but don’t live in that space of sadness for too long.

Do the things you love and be with the people that build you up.

The people who love you will be cheering you on and if there are people judging your return to life, they don’t deserve a minute of your life.

BE YOUR NUMBER ONE.