Sunsets

This weekend, we went to Michigan City. It is an annual trip that we have taken for years. It is unique in that Steve never went on this particular trip with us. It was always just Jared, Shelby, Aunt Na and myself.

Although we knew this year was different, it felt comfortable and we were able to enjoy our time together. Because of the change of scenery, there were no memories lurking around corners and we got to enjoy beautiful lake waves and we weren’t riding waves of grief.

It was great to get away.

We ate good food, had too much ice cream, went shopping at the farmers’ market and enjoyed swimming in the lake.

But inevitably, we had to come home. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and our ride home was very quiet.

When we got home, I envisioned Steve coming out to meet us at the car to help unload. (Crazy right?) My realistic self knew that wasn’t going to happen but the dreamer in me couldn’t help but wish this weren’t our reality. There was no one at home to greet us and no one to share our stories with. (If you know Shelby, ask her about her bathing suit debacle!)

I know that grief is very tricky and that it isn’t linear, but I can’t help but wonder when I will stop hoping that Steve is going to show up. Sometimes, I even question whether this is all just a bad dream and soon I will wake up.

But I know that is unrealistic. Even though at times I don’t want to accept it.

I know that I am blessed and that I have many good things in my life and ahead of me but I will say this: GRIEF SUCKS!

I can wake up each morning and try to focus on the positive and write down 3 good things but there is still a dark cloud over my head. At times, it blows to the side rather than hovering right above me but it is always there.

There is nothing anyone can say to make grief go away and there is no way to ignore it or to overcome it. You just have to sit with it…..

And if that isn’t difficult enough, you have to watch your children sit with it as well.

So, it is nice to “escape” for a little while.

I will admit, 6 months ago, I wasn’t sure we would ever go out again or smile again and we now have moments of laughter and happiness.

We are making progress.

But this is a really difficult journey.

And I will NEVER understand why it is our path.

But we are lucky to have a great support system and I am hoping that sharing our journey might help someone who is on the same unfortunate path.

I’ll end with this:

Shelby really loves Michigan City.

It is her happy place.

She made sure that both nights we were there, we made it down to the beach to watch the sunset. She was truly amazed at its beauty. Her love of the sunset, reminded me that beauty can coincide with sadness.

We just sometimes have to ride the waves to see the beauty.