writing – onedayatatime

I have learned a lot over the past few years. In fact, I feel as if my adulting quadrupled when Steve passed away.

Sounds silly since I’ve been an adult for…. well… a lot of years.

But losing someone very close to you, challenges everything you know.

Your belief system.

Your confidence.

Your ability to overcome obstacles.

I am a different person because of my loss.

And I have learned so many lessons over the past 3 years that I would like to share (because I’m a teacher and that’s what teachers do….)

“Everything happens for a reason”.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult beliefs people have and share.

If that is true, then Covid took Steve’s life “for a reason”.

And innocent children die everyday “for a reason”.

Homes and cities are destroyed “for a reason”.

While I do think I have changed and become a stronger and wiser person since we lost Steve, I don’t think he was taken “for a reason”.

I think that when bad things happen, we have to justify it in our hearts and minds so that saying comes into play.

People don’t want to believe that bad things happen with no justification, so we latch onto anything to make the pain feel a little bit better.

But saying “everything happens for a reason” to someone grappling with loss is not helpful.

In fact, it is extremely painful because the survivor is left trying to figure out how to create a better, more meaningful life because there has to be “a reason” they lost their loved one.

Therefore, here is Lesson 1: Everything does NOT happen “for a reason”.

Tragedies cannot be explained away with the thought that “everything happens for a reason” but we can use that belief to help us move forward.

We can do our best to live a meaningful and purposeful life in spite of devastating losses.

Lesson 2: People will surprise you.

As many of you know, when Steve passed away, I was really lost and afraid.

Family, friends and even strangers stepped in to take care of my family.

This, perhaps, was the most humbling part of my loss.

I received plants, cards, and anonymous gifts for months.

My meal train lasted until my sister told me I needed to pull it together and start feeding my own family.

I was astonished by how many people stepped in to help.

The biggest surprise were the people who I really didn’t know and yet, they provided meals and dropped them off at my doorstep!

That, to me, was such an amazing and selfless gift.

I have often heard that we do kind things because it fills our soul and feels good to us.

I think that is really true. Think of how good it feels when someone thanks you for doing something kind.

I know in my case, I enjoy the accolades when I do something kind.

With that being said, I have learned that doing something kind with no belief that you should receive something in return is probably the highest level of giving.

I strive to be one of those people.

To give with no belief that you should receive anything in return is such a wonderfully good deed.

In a smaller sense, it’s like the people in the Starbucks or Dunkin drive up window who pay for the person behind them.

Such a teeny, tiny, good deed and somehow you can easily make someone else’s day.

Don’t get me wrong, this does not minimize, in any way, all of the people who took care of me because they know and love me.

Those are truly my people.

That’s my village.

But I am talking about things that I have learned.

And I have learned that people who give without the caveat of getting something in return are my idols.

I challenge you to do something kind for a stranger today.

See how it feels in your soul. I bet it will warm your heart.

Lesson 3: It is sometimes good to be alone in your home with nothing to do but relax.

I am a people person and a doer.

It is extremely hard for me to sit still and relax.

Growing up, my family rarely sat home and “did nothing”.

I remember our grief groups would often start with meditation and I could never do it.

I have friends who love to sit home and relax all day and the thought of doing that gives me shivers up and down my spine!

But because of my loss, I have had more time alone in my house.

Alone time has given me the chance to explore new hobbies and art forms.

I am, by no means, an artist.

But, I have learned that I can follow the directions of a “teacher” on YouTube and I can create something beautiful.

I have learned that I enjoy beading and I can create bracelets that have meaning and help me be more mindful in my daily life.

I have always loved to write but I have never known WHAT to write but I have learned that I love to write about what I feel in my heart.

Lately, instead of running to get out of my house and “do”, I slow down and take out my drawing paper, my writing or my beads.

I know that meditating isn’t my thing but creating is.

When I am anxious or just when I have some time, I convince myself not to run out to Target to shop but rather to slow down and draw, bead or write.

This creative outlet fills my soul and calms my mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel a little guilty after I “waste” an hour doodling or beading, but I am learning that doing these things helps me heal.

I’m learning it’s okay to slow down and fill my own bucket with some “me time”.

So Lesson 3 is slow down and figure out what fills your soul and calms your mind.

Try a new hobby and see where it takes you.

So, here are my lessons for now:

Everything doesn’t happen “for a reason” but I’m trying to make my life matter.
Be selflessly kind and giving.
Slow down and take time to figure out what fills your bucket.

I wrote this because it helps me clear my mind and fills my heart.

Hopefully, it makes sense to you and gives you a new perspective.

If not, it’s okay. I feel better just because I took the time to slow down and write.

Thanks for reading my writing and make today a great day!

“It’s just a car”

I’ve been repeating that to myself over and over again in an effort to calm my racing heart.

I try to calm my inner voice with new hobbies like crocheting or zentangling..

And it helps, until…. it doesn’t.

Because while I can occupy my mind so that I feel a little calmer, I still need a new car.

Now, you are probably wondering why I am getting all worked up about a car, so I suppose I need to back it up a bit…

Shelby was 15 and on the verge of getting her driver’s license when Steve passed away.

Keep in mind, it was at the height of Covid…

I was already dealing with all of the responsibilities of home maintenance and figuring out how to care for 2 grief stricken children when I realized I had to add purchasing a car, DURING COVID, to my everexpanding job list.

Not sure how many of you remember what happened to car sales during Covid, but as a reminder, it was a nightmare. There were no cars to be purchased. Manufacturers weren’t building cars and people weren’t selling their used cars. And if they were selling their cars, prices were astronomical.

I was terrified. I had taken care of most of the household concerns and chores in the past, but buying a car, that is foreign to me.

And let’s be honest, does ANYONE like to deal with buying a car?

As often happened during this time, things just aligned and I was able to purchase my lifelong friend’s car for Shelby. It somehow worked out perfectly.

It was a Christmas Miracle (in January)!

Fastforward 3 years, and this 2009 Honda has seen better days. I have tried to keep it together as long as possible, but it has become pretty evident that it needs to be replaced. This time, it’s even more important to get her a reliable car because she has to get to and from college.

I wish I could say I took on the task of purchasing a car with enthusiasm and confidence.

But I didn’t.

I cried.

A lot…

Like sobbed uncontrollably..

Had a pretty substantial Marci Pity Party..

I just wanted to have that same miracle happen again…

Maybe someone would just knock on my door and say “I heard you need a car. Here is a reliable car at a reasonable price”?

Unfortunately, that did not happen.

I am embarrassed that I am so overwhelmed by this task. But at the same time, I am trying to cut myself some slack.

It’s January.

Steve passed away January 7th, 2021, and then my dad passed away January 13th 2021.

So, January basically sucks.

And I’m already walking on eggshells in my mind…

Buying a car is literally the last thing I want to be doing.

I need to remind myself that over the past 3 years, I have learned I can do almost anything!

But…I know basically nothing about cars.

I find that the hardest part of taking on a new responsibility is actually taking that first step.

I tend to put new challenges on the backburner and then I lay awake at night worrying about how full my backburner is getting.

I eventually realize I MUST take that first step.

I have no one to do it for me.

Taking that first step in accomplishing anything new is terrifying and it’s even more terrifying when you feel like you are doing it alone.

Somehow, for me, the weight of decision making is so much heavier when you aren’t doing it with someone else. I’ve discovered that one of my concerns in decision making is that if something goes wrong, the onous is totally on me. No one to blame but myself!

But as I’ve done in the past, I pulled up my big girl panties (after my Marci Pity Party) and I am figuring out what steps need to be taken so that Shelby has a reliable car.

I have learned to ask for help when I need it and to turn to knowledgeable people for assistance.

And I am doing that now.

I have learned that when I get in a funk, I need to give myself a little time to grieve and then I can take baby steps to accomplish tasks.

I need to remind myself how lucky I am to have resources and people to help me when I get tied up in my head.

This path has not been an easy one.

Those of you that have dealt with loss can understand that little things often become big things because our hearts are still a little broken.

But, what we need to remember is that life is full of these challenging moments.

While some may be thinking “That’s ridiculous. Needing a new car is not a challenging moment” others will understand that sometimes even figuring out how to fill your tires with air can become overwhelming.

Here is my advice for what it’s worth:

Give yourself a moment to be sad.

Have a “me” Pity Party.

Not a long one… just enough to get a few tears out or to eat a pint of ice cream or to crochet a little scarf.

But then look around you and see what you need to do to take the first step towards solving your problem.

Whether it be putting air in your tires, just leaving the house or buying a new car..

Take baby steps.

If necessary, look for people around you to hold your hand as you try to venture onto new paths.

And always remember… you can do hard things. Just take baby steps.