Tag: love

Categories
Grief

Oct. 24th

It’s been a minute since I’ve written. I tend to write when I’m in “the feels”.

I write to clear my head and hope that maybe it resonates with others.

October 24, 2025 would have been our 26th wedding anniversary.

I’m not overcome by sadness because it would have been our anniversary.

It has been almost 5 years and I’m in a good place in my life right now.

But this date still has significance to me.

A few years ago, I would have received several calls, texts or maybe even visits from friends and family letting me know they were thinking of me.

But October 24, 2025, was just an ordinary day to almost everyone else in my life.

It’s like it was never an important day.

And that part made me sad.

I have moved forward in my life but I have NOT forgotten.

I carry with me a complicated pain, but I am lucky, and most days, I move about my daily life freely without sadness.

But, there are also days when the world feels so very heavy and I’m not really sure why I feel so sad.

It’s been almost 5 years… I should be okay right?

After 5 years, it’s not easy to share the pain of your loss with others because many don’t really understand that although I smile through most of my days, the loss still exists.

I have more “free” than “heavy” days but on October 24th, I felt heavy because I had a lifetime with Steve and somehow, it felt like that life was disappearing.

It is TOTALLY okay and healthy for me to move forward but it doesn’t feel right to forget.

When Steve first passed away, I just remember sitting back and watching the world move forward and wondering how almost everyone else’s life was completely unaffected by the loss of my husband.

It was surreal that I still had to figure out dinner and the laundry still needed to get done.

I wasn’t sure how anything would ever be okay again.

And yet, almost 5 years later things are pretty great.

But, October 24th is still an important date.

It’s the date I became a wife and I married the father of my children.

It was the beginning of one of the most important chapters of my life.

So, while I have moved forward and I am happy, I also need to honor our anniversary and acknowledge the loss.

That is complicated.

It is almost like a balancing act.

Make new memories but don’t forget the past.

Allow yourself to be happy but give yourself permission to grieve.

Yes, it’s been almost 5 years, but at times, it seems like only yesterday.

October 24th will never be just a date to me.

For those of you who travel this complicated journey of grief with me, I see you.

It is okay to move forward AND it is okay to not be okay…..

Categories
Grief

Lessons

I have learned a lot over the past few years. In fact, I feel as if my adulting quadrupled when Steve passed away.

Sounds silly since I’ve been an adult for…. well… a lot of years.

But losing someone very close to you, challenges everything you know.

Your belief system.

Your confidence.

Your ability to overcome obstacles.

I am a different person because of my loss.

And I have learned so many lessons over the past 3 years that I would like to share (because I’m a teacher and that’s what teachers do….)

“Everything happens for a reason”.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult beliefs people have and share.

If that is true, then Covid took Steve’s life “for a reason”.

And innocent children die everyday “for a reason”.

Homes and cities are destroyed “for a reason”.

While I do think I have changed and become a stronger and wiser person since we lost Steve, I don’t think he was taken “for a reason”.

I think that when bad things happen, we have to justify it in our hearts and minds so that saying comes into play.

People don’t want to believe that bad things happen with no justification, so we latch onto anything to make the pain feel a little bit better.

But saying “everything happens for a reason” to someone grappling with loss is not helpful.

In fact, it is extremely painful because the survivor is left trying to figure out how to create a better, more meaningful life because there has to be “a reason” they lost their loved one.

Therefore, here is Lesson 1: Everything does NOT happen “for a reason”.

Tragedies cannot be explained away with the thought that “everything happens for a reason” but we can use that belief to help us move forward.

We can do our best to live a meaningful and purposeful life in spite of devastating losses.

Lesson 2: People will surprise you.

As many of you know, when Steve passed away, I was really lost and afraid.

Family, friends and even strangers stepped in to take care of my family.

This, perhaps, was the most humbling part of my loss.

I received plants, cards, and anonymous gifts for months.

My meal train lasted until my sister told me I needed to pull it together and start feeding my own family.

I was astonished by how many people stepped in to help.

The biggest surprise were the people who I really didn’t know and yet, they provided meals and dropped them off at my doorstep!

That, to me, was such an amazing and selfless gift.

I have often heard that we do kind things because it fills our soul and feels good to us.

I think that is really true. Think of how good it feels when someone thanks you for doing something kind.

I know in my case, I enjoy the accolades when I do something kind.

With that being said, I have learned that doing something kind with no belief that you should receive something in return is probably the highest level of giving.

I strive to be one of those people.

To give with no belief that you should receive anything in return is such a wonderfully good deed.

In a smaller sense, it’s like the people in the Starbucks or Dunkin drive up window who pay for the person behind them.

Such a teeny, tiny, good deed and somehow you can easily make someone else’s day.

Don’t get me wrong, this does not minimize, in any way, all of the people who took care of me because they know and love me.

Those are truly my people.

That’s my village.

But I am talking about things that I have learned.

And I have learned that people who give without the caveat of getting something in return are my idols.

I challenge you to do something kind for a stranger today.

See how it feels in your soul. I bet it will warm your heart.

Lesson 3: It is sometimes good to be alone in your home with nothing to do but relax.

I am a people person and a doer.

It is extremely hard for me to sit still and relax.

Growing up, my family rarely sat home and “did nothing”.

I remember our grief groups would often start with meditation and I could never do it.

I have friends who love to sit home and relax all day and the thought of doing that gives me shivers up and down my spine!

But because of my loss, I have had more time alone in my house.

Alone time has given me the chance to explore new hobbies and art forms.

I am, by no means, an artist.

But, I have learned that I can follow the directions of a “teacher” on YouTube and I can create something beautiful.

I have learned that I enjoy beading and I can create bracelets that have meaning and help me be more mindful in my daily life.

I have always loved to write but I have never known WHAT to write but I have learned that I love to write about what I feel in my heart.

Lately, instead of running to get out of my house and “do”, I slow down and take out my drawing paper, my writing or my beads.

I know that meditating isn’t my thing but creating is.

When I am anxious or just when I have some time, I convince myself not to run out to Target to shop but rather to slow down and draw, bead or write.

This creative outlet fills my soul and calms my mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel a little guilty after I “waste” an hour doodling or beading, but I am learning that doing these things helps me heal.

I’m learning it’s okay to slow down and fill my own bucket with some “me time”.

So Lesson 3 is slow down and figure out what fills your soul and calms your mind.

Try a new hobby and see where it takes you.

So, here are my lessons for now:

  • Everything doesn’t happen “for a reason” but I’m trying to make my life matter.
  • Be selflessly kind and giving.
  • Slow down and take time to figure out what fills your bucket.

I wrote this because it helps me clear my mind and fills my heart.

Hopefully, it makes sense to you and gives you a new perspective.

If not, it’s okay. I feel better just because I took the time to slow down and write.

Thanks for reading my writing and make today a great day!

    Categories
    Grief

    Helicopters

    Where we live, there are thousands of seeds falling from our Maple trees. We always called them helicopters as kids because they twirl around as they fall to the ground. Our neighborhood is covered with them.

    Normally, I wouldn’t pay much attention to them except to tell Steve that I needed him to clean them out of the gutters because I worried that our gutters would be clogged.

    This year, they are a bit more symbolic to me.

    Each year, I plant a garden. Steve would always tell me not to get my hopes up because I LITERALLY never succeeded in growing anything. Even my cucumbers grew into funky c shape inedible things.

    But I start each summer with a glimmer in my eye thinking it’s going to be different and I am going to have sooo many vegetables, I’ll be handing them out to neighbors and friends.

    Last year, my friends built me an AMAZING above ground garden. They even helped me plant it and supplied special fertilized soil. I felt as if I was finally going to be able to share my vegetable wealth!

    The only thing I succeeded in growing were mushrooms. And not the mushrooms you eat, the nasty fungus mushrooms that you pull out of your grass.

    So…. another year with a failed garden in spite of basically having a garden tutor.

    Last week, my friend came back over, physically MOVED the above ground garden and planted the vegetables I requested. He used a different soil and added manure… Not sure how I feel about that. But I REALLY want my vegetables to grow this year… so, I’m dealing with cow poop in my garden.

    So, back to the helicopters… Each morning, I go out before work and I pick out as many helicopters as I can from my beloved garden.

    When I come home from work, I go back outside and pick out MORE of the helicopters (and there are plenty).

    Believe it or not, I go back out after dinner and remove the helicopters one last time before going to bed.

    So, as you can see, these Maple seeds are a huge inconvenience and yet I am unwavering in protecting my garden and making sure not to let any Maple Trees grow.

    As I was picking out the helicopters this evening, I realized the whole experience could be compared to my life right now.

    I have built this amazing, beautiful, life garden.

    Things were growing and succeeding in my garden.

    Then, helicopters started landing.

    First, Covid.

    Next, Quarantine.

    Then, Steve got sick.

    Then, we lost Steve.

    Then, we lost my Dad.

    And in spite of it all, I kept picking the helicopters out of my life garden.

    At first, I felt like leaving the helicopters there.

    What was the point of picking them out?

    My life had been forever changed.

    Then, I realized I can’t give up.

    I need to make sure that the helicopters don’t overtake my life garden.

    I have 2 FANTASTIC children, a job that I love, a wonderfully supportive family and a house surrounded by neighbors that love me and watch over me.

    So, I will continue to remove the helicopters from my gardens.

    And I will remind myself that helicopters don’t fall year round.

    I can make it through the helicopter season one day at a time.