onedayatatime

Grief

Sunsets

This weekend, we went to Michigan City. It is an annual trip that we have taken for years. It is unique in that Steve never went on this particular trip with us. It was always just Jared, Shelby, Aunt Na and myself.

Although we knew this year was different, it felt comfortable and we were able to enjoy our time together. Because of the change of scenery, there were no memories lurking around corners and we got to enjoy beautiful lake waves and we weren’t riding waves of grief.

It was great to get away.

We ate good food, had too much ice cream, went shopping at the farmers’ market and enjoyed swimming in the lake.

But inevitably, we had to come home. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and our ride home was very quiet.

When we got home, I envisioned Steve coming out to meet us at the car to help unload. (Crazy right?) My realistic self knew that wasn’t going to happen but the dreamer in me couldn’t help but wish this weren’t our reality. There was no one at home to greet us and no one to share our stories with. (If you know Shelby, ask her about her bathing suit debacle!)

I know that grief is very tricky and that it isn’t linear, but I can’t help but wonder when I will stop hoping that Steve is going to show up. Sometimes, I even question whether this is all just a bad dream and soon I will wake up.

But I know that is unrealistic. Even though at times I don’t want to accept it.

I know that I am blessed and that I have many good things in my life and ahead of me but I will say this: GRIEF SUCKS!

I can wake up each morning and try to focus on the positive and write down 3 good things but there is still a dark cloud over my head. At times, it blows to the side rather than hovering right above me but it is always there.

There is nothing anyone can say to make grief go away and there is no way to ignore it or to overcome it. You just have to sit with it…..

And if that isn’t difficult enough, you have to watch your children sit with it as well.

So, it is nice to “escape” for a little while.

I will admit, 6 months ago, I wasn’t sure we would ever go out again or smile again and we now have moments of laughter and happiness.

We are making progress.

But this is a really difficult journey.

And I will NEVER understand why it is our path.

But we are lucky to have a great support system and I am hoping that sharing our journey might help someone who is on the same unfortunate path.

I’ll end with this:

Shelby really loves Michigan City.

It is her happy place.

She made sure that both nights we were there, we made it down to the beach to watch the sunset. She was truly amazed at its beauty. Her love of the sunset, reminded me that beauty can coincide with sadness.

We just sometimes have to ride the waves to see the beauty.

Grief

One bite at a Time

When you teach Kindergarten, you often hear ridiculous jokes.

One that resonates with me right now is “How do you eat an elephant?” and the answer is “One bite at a time”.

I feel as if our grief can be seen as an elephant.

This ginormous elephant is sitting in the corner, and we have to somehow get rid of it.

We could ignore it….

We could try to eat it all at once…

Or we could eat it one bite at a time…

I know the only reasonable answer (although you wouldn’t really eat an elephant) is to eat it one bite at a time but I can’t help but wish I could just make it disappear with one big gulp.

This is in part due to my personality….

Although I am a kindergarten teacher, I am impatient in my home life. Steve used to always tease me that things needed to be accomplished in “Marci Time”- meaning immediately.

Well, the elephant in the corner right now, can’t be tackled in “Marci Time”. He needs to be dealt with one bite at a time.

And although I am taking small bites each day, nothing seems to be falling into place.

That elephant is still sitting in the corner…

I have come to terms with the fact that “Marci Time” isn’t reasonable when dealing with government agencies or businesses. That is out of my control.

But what is most painful and difficult to manage is that our hearts can’t heal in “Marci Time”.

I KNOW we are not where we were 6 months ago and I also know that we have taken a few bites out of our elephant. But it is a HUGE elephant!

I have days when I start to feel a little bit more like myself but then there are days when that elephant seems to have grown even bigger and harder to conquer.

There are days when that elephant seems to not only be sitting in the corner, but seems to be sitting on my chest.

I know that we have so many friends and family walking alongside us through this journey and I am extremely grateful for that support.

I know that so many friends and family wish they could just make that elephant disappear, but they can’t.

I even question why we are the ones that got the elephant.

No one should have to deal with so much pain.

But I am confident that we will continue to take small bites out of our elephant and hopefully, sometime relatively soon, he will not take up so much space in the corner.

Strength

3 More Days

As most of you know, I am a teacher. Typically, around this time of year, the kids and teachers are in desperate need of a break.

Now I know there are many people out there who will say teachers have it easy because they get the summers off. But I challenge any of those naysayers to spend just 30 minutes in a room full of kindergartners and try to get them to sit quietly and stay in their seats while you try to teach them how to read and write. I GUARANTEE there will be plenty of people who will then understand the need for respite from this job.

With that being said, this year is different in every possible way. We began the year remotely, switched to hybrid the week after Steve passed away, and then, ultimately spent the last month in person.

Teachers pivoted like crazy! We learned new skills and overcame so many challenges. All of the teachers I know are rock stars and I applaud everything that was accomplished. Because of the challenges during this year, most teachers are literally counting down the minutes until Summer Break.

Except for me…

School has been my lifeline. The kids are ultimately what got me out of the house and back into a routine. When I was at my very lowest point, my students and friends reminded me that I make a difference in this world.

When I met my students in person, their enthusiasm for life and learning was contagious. Each day was seen as an adventure and they would dance and sing the day away. I was still so very sad, lost and afraid but I kept showing up everyday because they needed me. What I didn’t realize at the time was how much I needed them too.

I was actually grateful for the masks. No one could truly see how I felt. Although I was going through all the motions, I was crying inside. I left each day drained from holding it all in.

Now, as the days pass, I slowly catch myself smiling and laughing more often. I love watching the kindergartners interact with one another. I can “feel” myself getting back to the old me.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still days when I leave my classroom and cry on my ride home. But at least I now have hours in my day where I get lost in what I’m doing and forget about my pain.

That brings me to 3 more days…

We have 3 more days until Summer Break. I will no longer have the distraction of a classroom full of kindergartners.

I am truly grateful that school helped me through some of the most difficult months of my life. I will truly miss being in the classroom. Teaching has been my saving grace.

Time and relaxation are the LAST things I need right now. Too much thinking time is counterproductive for me.

While other teachers are celebrating the end of this absolutely exhausting year and looking forward to rest and relaxation, I am fearful of what summer will look like for me.

So, I am working on finding ways to keep myself busy and know that there will be rough days ahead.

I will teach summer school, tutor, read books (good book suggestions are welcome), spend time with family and friends (feel free to reach out to make plans), and take on a part time job.

Each holiday and milestone we reach gets us a little closer to healing, but we will never be the same. Summer is going to be yet another challenge for us.

I can only hope that we make wonderful new memories as a family of three.

Grief

Helicopters

Where we live, there are thousands of seeds falling from our Maple trees. We always called them helicopters as kids because they twirl around as they fall to the ground. Our neighborhood is covered with them.

Normally, I wouldn’t pay much attention to them except to tell Steve that I needed him to clean them out of the gutters because I worried that our gutters would be clogged.

This year, they are a bit more symbolic to me.

Each year, I plant a garden. Steve would always tell me not to get my hopes up because I LITERALLY never succeeded in growing anything. Even my cucumbers grew into funky c shape inedible things.

But I start each summer with a glimmer in my eye thinking it’s going to be different and I am going to have sooo many vegetables, I’ll be handing them out to neighbors and friends.

Last year, my friends built me an AMAZING above ground garden. They even helped me plant it and supplied special fertilized soil. I felt as if I was finally going to be able to share my vegetable wealth!

The only thing I succeeded in growing were mushrooms. And not the mushrooms you eat, the nasty fungus mushrooms that you pull out of your grass.

So…. another year with a failed garden in spite of basically having a garden tutor.

Last week, my friend came back over, physically MOVED the above ground garden and planted the vegetables I requested. He used a different soil and added manure… Not sure how I feel about that. But I REALLY want my vegetables to grow this year… so, I’m dealing with cow poop in my garden.

So, back to the helicopters… Each morning, I go out before work and I pick out as many helicopters as I can from my beloved garden.

When I come home from work, I go back outside and pick out MORE of the helicopters (and there are plenty).

Believe it or not, I go back out after dinner and remove the helicopters one last time before going to bed.

So, as you can see, these Maple seeds are a huge inconvenience and yet I am unwavering in protecting my garden and making sure not to let any Maple Trees grow.

As I was picking out the helicopters this evening, I realized the whole experience could be compared to my life right now.

I have built this amazing, beautiful, life garden.

Things were growing and succeeding in my garden.

Then, helicopters started landing.

First, Covid.

Next, Quarantine.

Then, Steve got sick.

Then, we lost Steve.

Then, we lost my Dad.

And in spite of it all, I kept picking the helicopters out of my life garden.

At first, I felt like leaving the helicopters there.

What was the point of picking them out?

My life had been forever changed.

Then, I realized I can’t give up.

I need to make sure that the helicopters don’t overtake my life garden.

I have 2 FANTASTIC children, a job that I love, a wonderfully supportive family and a house surrounded by neighbors that love me and watch over me.

So, I will continue to remove the helicopters from my gardens.

And I will remind myself that helicopters don’t fall year round.

I can make it through the helicopter season one day at a time.

Tags hope, love

Grief Resilience Strength

18 Weeks

Steve has now been gone for 18 weeks.

In Judaism, the number 18 stands for life. How ironic that today was the first time I actually counted how long it has been and it turned out to be 18 weeks. I suppose that could be considered one of those “god whispers” moments and I should look at it as a sign that we are supposed to be moving on with our lives although our family has been forever changed.

I can honestly say, that we are doing okay and although each of us has our triggers and moments of sadness, we are doing “life”.

When Steve initially passed away, there were many places I thought I would never visit gain. Menards was one of those places. Yet painting our house forced me to go there. I have to continue with the daily tasks of “life” and for those of you who truly know me, know I couldn’t pass up the 11% rebate.

I also teach and enjoy moments of joy and laughter with my kindergartners. Watching them sing and dance and hearing them talk about loving school warms my heart. I love my job even thought it has been so challenging. Another indication that “life” continues.

Although I am glad that we are moving forward, that comes with a bit of guilt.

Should I still be crying each day? Is it okay for me to laugh and enjoy time with family and friends?

These are difficult questions and people will often say, “Steve would want you to be happy”. Somehow, that doesn’t make any sense to me. He should be here with us doing the mundane tasks like going to Menards or making Amazon returns at Kohls. He should be here enjoying moments of joy and laughter. It doesn’t feel right to be doing these things without him.

I have friends helping fix the house and other friends planting my garden. I have walking friends and friends who just call to talk with me. If I ask for a favor, I can pretty much expect a positive response. I am blessed with a fantastic support system!

But, I have lost my sounding board and partner. While I have a tribe of AMAZING people surrounding me, I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I still feel lonely.

I no longer look forward to weekends and I usually feel relieved when it is bedtime. My mom always teases me because I have always liked to go to sleep each night but now I like it because it’s several worry free hours. It’s an escape from my reality.

Grief is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face. And I have had several challenges in my life. You don’t know when it’s going to hit you and you don’t get a crystal ball to let you know when or if everyone will be okay.

What I DO know is we are doing it. We are putting one foot in front of the other and making progress. We are doing life and I have many of you to thank for helping us along this path.

Jared and Shelby continue to amaze me each day with their resilience and accomplishments during what has been the hardest year of their lives. They are doing life and doing it well! I couldn’t be prouder of them.

So, on the 18th week of missing Steve, I am making a wish for my life. My wish is that moments of joy and laughter will outweigh moments of sadness and that going to sleep will no longer be a means to escape my reality but a necessity to stay healthy and to live my best life. Here’s to 18…

Tags God whispers, guilt, it takes a village, the joy of teaching, time is a doctor

Uncategorized

You only get one chance

When you are married for 21 years, you each have your “jobs”.

I would pack the kids lunches and Steve would fill their water bottles.

I would cook dinner but Steve would make my cup of coffee each morning.

I had him convinced that he was the best barista in town. He was so proud of his coffee creations each day (even though we have a Keurig, he just knew he mixed the perfect balance of creamer and sugar into my coffee).

I took care of most of the inside jobs, and he took care of the outside jobs.

I would take care of Doctor appointments and the “maintenance” of Jared and Shelby. He would take care of car maintenance and house repairs.

When Steve passed away, the balance of our household changed.

I am now in charge of it all…

It’s overwhelming…

and terrifying…

and yet sometimes it is empowering…

Knowing everything is in my job description has been challenging.

The first thing I knew I had to do for my own peace of mind was waterproof our basement before the rainy season.

So, I had to clean out our storage area. Anyone that has lived in a house for over 20 years and has a storage area, knows organizing this area is a monumental task.

So many packed away memories.

So many decisions to be made.

Do I keep things he collected but I had no interest in?

Do I save all of the china, platters, bowls and candlesticks we received as wedding gifts but never had the opportunity to use?

What about his yearbooks or photo albums from before our time together?

I found myself over my head and once again, friends stepped in to hold my hand and help me through the necessary tasks.

There were definitely tears involved but I am so lucky to have friends that have run to help whenever they hear the tiniest bit of worry or fear in my voice.

My basement is now waterproofed and to be perfectly honest, I kept almost everything.

Although I know I should have donated several items, I’m just not ready. I’m still healing and I need time before I can really part with some of my things.

One of the many lessons I’ve learned in the past few months I learned from organizing the basement.

If you have beautiful things, use them or display them!

Don’t just pack things away thinking there is always tomorrow!

We unboxed so many beautiful platters, bowls and serving trays that I rarely used!

Everyone always says “Don’t take life for granted.”

But I now know for sure, I have taken life for granted.

I packed away so many of my beautiful things thinking I could always use them another day.

I drank my cup of coffee made by the best barista in town without a second thought that it might be the last cup he would make.

I got upset when Steve would leave in the morning and “forget” to fill the kids water bottles.

Now there is no one else but me to complete this silly little task.

So, don’t take life for granted.

Be sure to thank your significant other when a special cup of coffee is brewed.

Use your fancy platters and bowls on a boring Monday night.

Keep your friends close and show them you love them as often as possible.

True friends are really hard to come by and although I still have a long way to go, I know I have friends to lean on and they are the ones that have helped me get on my feet again.

Thank you to all of the people who have stood by my side. I know it hasn’t been easy.

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Trader Joe’s

A few months have passed since I have written on this blog, but I finally feel strong enough to revisit my last posts and feel it might be time to share more of my thoughts. As many of you know, I love to write and hope that sharing my journey may help me and perhaps even help others.

It has been almost 5 months since our nightmare began and 4 months since we said goodbye to Steve.

Grief is such a difficult emotion and the kids and I are doing our best to take it day by day as we just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Everyone is back in school and spending time with family and friends has helped our path to healing.

Some days, I stop and think “I can do this. I’m feeling ok.” and in the blink of an eye, I am overcome with sadness and feel like I cannot do one more thing.

But I keep pressing on because I know there has got to be more to my life and Jared and Shelby deserve a strong mama.

The things that upset me are surprising and yet they are logical. Sometimes my grief is very quiet and almost silent and at other times it is so tangible I feel like I may fall to pieces.

If you have experienced grief, I am certain you are familiar with the roller coaster of grief.

I know that many of my friends have said our story has made them much more aware of the dangers of Covid and that when they are approached by “non-believers”, our story is told and retold. I am glad that we are helping people take this horrible disease more seriously but I hope that is not the only lesson learned through our tragedy.

I have learned so many lessons over the last few months and I have done more adulting than I ever wanted to do, but I hope our story can help others in some small way…..

So here I go….

While shopping at Trader Joe’s last Friday night, I just couldn’t finish my shopping. I had to put my groceries back and leave the store empty handed. You might be wondering what could be so upsetting at a store where the employees wearing Hawaiian shirts are so friendly and helpful?

But here is what I saw through the eyes of grief…

Friday night couples shopping…. just going about this everyday, sometimes dreaded, task.

I watched these couples and realized how much I had taken for granted. I know Steve and I would often joke about how exciting our married life was as we shopped on a Friday or Saturday night.

How differently I see it now…

It is a privilege to have someone by your side while you do everyday, mundane tasks. I know for sure that I never stopped and said to Steve “I’m so glad you are here buying Pirates Booty with me.”

But I wish I had.

So, my thought for today is hold your loved ones close.

Know that things can change in an instant.

Be grateful for all the little moments you get to have with your significant other even if it’s just cleaning the house or running errands.

This all sounds so cheesy but I definitely see life through a different lens now.

Thank you once again to all of our friends and family who have stood by us during this difficult time. We are so lucky to have a strong tribe by our side.

And if we haven’t been in touch for awhile, don’t be afraid to reach out. I appreciate all of the texts, notes and phone calls I receive. Our tragedy is far from over and it warms my heart to know that we are not alone on this journey.

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