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When you are married for 21 years, you each have your “jobs”.

I would pack the kids lunches and Steve would fill their water bottles.

I would cook dinner but Steve would make my cup of coffee each morning.

I had him convinced that he was the best barista in town. He was so proud of his coffee creations each day (even though we have a Keurig, he just knew he mixed the perfect balance of creamer and sugar into my coffee).

I took care of most of the inside jobs, and he took care of the outside jobs.

I would take care of Doctor appointments and the “maintenance” of Jared and Shelby. He would take care of car maintenance and house repairs.

When Steve passed away, the balance of our household changed.

I am now in charge of it all…

It’s overwhelming…

and terrifying…

and yet sometimes it is empowering…

Knowing everything is in my job description has been challenging.

The first thing I knew I had to do for my own peace of mind was waterproof our basement before the rainy season.

So, I had to clean out our storage area. Anyone that has lived in a house for over 20 years and has a storage area, knows organizing this area is a monumental task.

So many packed away memories.

So many decisions to be made.

Do I keep things he collected but I had no interest in?

Do I save all of the china, platters, bowls and candlesticks we received as wedding gifts but never had the opportunity to use?

What about his yearbooks or photo albums from before our time together?

I found myself over my head and once again, friends stepped in to hold my hand and help me through the necessary tasks.

There were definitely tears involved but I am so lucky to have friends that have run to help whenever they hear the tiniest bit of worry or fear in my voice.

My basement is now waterproofed and to be perfectly honest, I kept almost everything.

Although I know I should have donated several items, I’m just not ready. I’m still healing and I need time before I can really part with some of my things.

One of the many lessons I’ve learned in the past few months I learned from organizing the basement.

If you have beautiful things, use them or display them!

Don’t just pack things away thinking there is always tomorrow!

We unboxed so many beautiful platters, bowls and serving trays that I rarely used!

Everyone always says “Don’t take life for granted.”

But I now know for sure, I have taken life for granted.

I packed away so many of my beautiful things thinking I could always use them another day.

I drank my cup of coffee made by the best barista in town without a second thought that it might be the last cup he would make.

I got upset when Steve would leave in the morning and “forget” to fill the kids water bottles.

Now there is no one else but me to complete this silly little task.

So, don’t take life for granted.

Be sure to thank your significant other when a special cup of coffee is brewed.

Use your fancy platters and bowls on a boring Monday night.

Keep your friends close and show them you love them as often as possible.

True friends are really hard to come by and although I still have a long way to go, I know I have friends to lean on and they are the ones that have helped me get on my feet again.

Thank you to all of the people who have stood by my side. I know it hasn’t been easy.

A few months have passed since I have written on this blog, but I finally feel strong enough to revisit my last posts and feel it might be time to share more of my thoughts. As many of you know, I love to write and hope that sharing my journey may help me and perhaps even help others.

It has been almost 5 months since our nightmare began and 4 months since we said goodbye to Steve.

Grief is such a difficult emotion and the kids and I are doing our best to take it day by day as we just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Everyone is back in school and spending time with family and friends has helped our path to healing.

Some days, I stop and think “I can do this. I’m feeling ok.” and in the blink of an eye, I am overcome with sadness and feel like I cannot do one more thing.

But I keep pressing on because I know there has got to be more to my life and Jared and Shelby deserve a strong mama.

The things that upset me are surprising and yet they are logical. Sometimes my grief is very quiet and almost silent and at other times it is so tangible I feel like I may fall to pieces.

If you have experienced grief, I am certain you are familiar with the roller coaster of grief.

I know that many of my friends have said our story has made them much more aware of the dangers of Covid and that when they are approached by “non-believers”, our story is told and retold. I am glad that we are helping people take this horrible disease more seriously but I hope that is not the only lesson learned through our tragedy.

I have learned so many lessons over the last few months and I have done more adulting than I ever wanted to do, but I hope our story can help others in some small way…..

So here I go….

While shopping at Trader Joe’s last Friday night, I just couldn’t finish my shopping. I had to put my groceries back and leave the store empty handed. You might be wondering what could be so upsetting at a store where the employees wearing Hawaiian shirts are so friendly and helpful?

But here is what I saw through the eyes of grief…

Friday night couples shopping…. just going about this everyday, sometimes dreaded, task.

I watched these couples and realized how much I had taken for granted. I know Steve and I would often joke about how exciting our married life was as we shopped on a Friday or Saturday night.

How differently I see it now…

It is a privilege to have someone by your side while you do everyday, mundane tasks. I know for sure that I never stopped and said to Steve “I’m so glad you are here buying Pirates Booty with me.”

But I wish I had.

So, my thought for today is hold your loved ones close.

Know that things can change in an instant.

Be grateful for all the little moments you get to have with your significant other even if it’s just cleaning the house or running errands.

This all sounds so cheesy but I definitely see life through a different lens now.

Thank you once again to all of our friends and family who have stood by us during this difficult time. We are so lucky to have a strong tribe by our side.

And if we haven’t been in touch for awhile, don’t be afraid to reach out. I appreciate all of the texts, notes and phone calls I receive. Our tragedy is far from over and it warms my heart to know that we are not alone on this journey.

I have started many days asking myself “Why us?”. I am fairly certain many of you have had this same feeling. When unfortunate things happen to us, we often question why we are the “chosen” ones. (That little play on words has NOTHING to do with our faith. Just trying to add a little humor to something that has been extremely challenging and difficult.).

When many people are faced with that question, they will often answer “Why NOT us? It wouldn’t be any more fair for it to happen to someone else.” But, I DO think things happen for a reason and before giving you the Steve update, I’ll share my thoughts:

1. Steve is a fighter. He has the ability to connect with just about anyone. Through this experience, I have learned just how much he means to so many people. When you are married for 21 years, sometimes everyday activities get in the way of seeing the good in life and in your mate. Steve and I have had our trials over the past year, but I know that he has a heart of gold and I see this everyday with the calls, gifts and efforts from friends and family. As we know, Sea Schor Environments is his heart and soul and I TRULY appreciate all of the efforts that have been made to make sure his business is still alive and thriving when he is back on his feet. But I would be remiss if I didn’t say, I hope that this experience helps him truly understand the balance between work, family and friends.
2. I am a teacher. One of the things I love to do is write. I am hoping to use this experience to help educate others on this disease and to hopefully, convince people to stop being so cavalier about Covid. Believe me, I was getting to the point where I didn’t think we were going to get sick. In fact, I got tested for the antibodies thinking I may have already had it. The vaccine is on its way, but we all know many of us will be the last to get it and some of you may not even want to get it at all. I cannot even get into that controversy. Let me just say one thing… This argument about “It’s my body, I shouldn’t have to wear a mask or social distance” is just about the most selfish thing I have ever heard in my life. If you don’t believe in the efficacy of wearing a mask, that’s fine. But what if someone you know and love comes into contact with someone who also doesn’t believe in masks and in an instant your loved one is hospitalized fighting for his/her life? You just put up a pretty dumb fight for something as innocuous as wearing a mask.
3. When you think you miss your family and friends and you all want to get together because it’s been 9 months and it’s holiday time, please take a moment to think about our family. We lit our Hanukkah candles and said the blessings as a family of 3. I taped the children opening their gifts in hopes that we can show Steve once he is well. It is Winter Break for the kids and I and we spend our days worrying and praying for Steve’s recovery rather than enjoy our respite. This is ONE year of your life, don’t take silly risks.

If you made it this far, I’m guessing you really want to hear an update on Steve. Covid is very tricky. It doesn’t play fair at all. One day, we will think Steve is doing better, and the next day he will regress so updating on a daily basis may not be possible. (Who knows if you really want to visit the blog daily anyhow?)

As of today, December 27th, he has been in the ICU on a ventilator for 17 days. He has been at Condell Hospital since December 2nd. Currently, he is holding steady but he requires a great deal of support to stay “steady”. His x-ray yesterday seemed to show a slight improvement, so we are hoping that his body is starting to also recover from the pneumonia (which he got from having Covid). He is truly fighting with all that he has to give.

Steve is what they describe as hemodynamically stable. (After all of this, I may just retire from teaching and become a Dr.) The rest of his organs seem to be doing their job, but his lungs are really struggling to recover. He requires a lot of of oxygen and he must be proned for 16 hours of the day. Proning means he is placed on his stomach to help his lungs recover. So, the nurses rotate him throughout the day because he is heavily sedated and paralyzed. Keeping him paralyzed and sedated help to prevent him from fighting the ventilator.

As I have said before, fighting Covid is a marathon. It takes a very long time for patients to recover. Doctors are consistently tweaking his ventilator and changing his meds in hopes of seeing progress. I must remind myself daily that although we may not see huge improvements, stable is good….

There are still no visitors allowed so Steve has been in the hospital alone for 25 days. (Just another fact for you to keep in mind when you are thinking you want to go to a party or think it’s unfair that you must wear a mask.) We have not seen him since Dec. 2nd, but I have started to ask the nurses to place the phone near his ear each day so that we can say “hello” and give him an update about our day. I’m not really sure he can hear us but it makes us feel more connected to him and we are hopeful that it helps him feel less alone in his battle.

Thank you, once again for all of the support you have given us. I truly do not know how we would be able to get through this without the support of our people. Love you all.💕