Strength – onedayatatime

3 More Days

As most of you know, I am a teacher. Typically, around this time of year, the kids and teachers are in desperate need of a break.

Now I know there are many people out there who will say teachers have it easy because they get the summers off. But I challenge any of those naysayers to spend just 30 minutes in a room full of kindergartners and try to get them to sit quietly and stay in their seats while you try to teach them how to read and write. I GUARANTEE there will be plenty of people who will then understand the need for respite from this job.

With that being said, this year is different in every possible way. We began the year remotely, switched to hybrid the week after Steve passed away, and then, ultimately spent the last month in person.

Teachers pivoted like crazy! We learned new skills and overcame so many challenges. All of the teachers I know are rock stars and I applaud everything that was accomplished. Because of the challenges during this year, most teachers are literally counting down the minutes until Summer Break.

Except for me…

School has been my lifeline. The kids are ultimately what got me out of the house and back into a routine. When I was at my very lowest point, my students and friends reminded me that I make a difference in this world.

When I met my students in person, their enthusiasm for life and learning was contagious. Each day was seen as an adventure and they would dance and sing the day away. I was still so very sad, lost and afraid but I kept showing up everyday because they needed me. What I didn’t realize at the time was how much I needed them too.

I was actually grateful for the masks. No one could truly see how I felt. Although I was going through all the motions, I was crying inside. I left each day drained from holding it all in.

Now, as the days pass, I slowly catch myself smiling and laughing more often. I love watching the kindergartners interact with one another. I can “feel” myself getting back to the old me.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still days when I leave my classroom and cry on my ride home. But at least I now have hours in my day where I get lost in what I’m doing and forget about my pain.

That brings me to 3 more days…

We have 3 more days until Summer Break. I will no longer have the distraction of a classroom full of kindergartners.

I am truly grateful that school helped me through some of the most difficult months of my life. I will truly miss being in the classroom. Teaching has been my saving grace.

Time and relaxation are the LAST things I need right now. Too much thinking time is counterproductive for me.

While other teachers are celebrating the end of this absolutely exhausting year and looking forward to rest and relaxation, I am fearful of what summer will look like for me.

So, I am working on finding ways to keep myself busy and know that there will be rough days ahead.

I will teach summer school, tutor, read books (good book suggestions are welcome), spend time with family and friends (feel free to reach out to make plans), and take on a part time job.

Each holiday and milestone we reach gets us a little closer to healing, but we will never be the same. Summer is going to be yet another challenge for us.

I can only hope that we make wonderful new memories as a family of three.

18 Weeks

Steve has now been gone for 18 weeks.

In Judaism, the number 18 stands for life. How ironic that today was the first time I actually counted how long it has been and it turned out to be 18 weeks. I suppose that could be considered one of those “god whispers” moments and I should look at it as a sign that we are supposed to be moving on with our lives although our family has been forever changed.

I can honestly say, that we are doing okay and although each of us has our triggers and moments of sadness, we are doing “life”.

When Steve initially passed away, there were many places I thought I would never visit gain. Menards was one of those places. Yet painting our house forced me to go there. I have to continue with the daily tasks of “life” and for those of you who truly know me, know I couldn’t pass up the 11% rebate.

I also teach and enjoy moments of joy and laughter with my kindergartners. Watching them sing and dance and hearing them talk about loving school warms my heart. I love my job even thought it has been so challenging. Another indication that “life” continues.

Although I am glad that we are moving forward, that comes with a bit of guilt.

Should I still be crying each day? Is it okay for me to laugh and enjoy time with family and friends?

These are difficult questions and people will often say, “Steve would want you to be happy”. Somehow, that doesn’t make any sense to me. He should be here with us doing the mundane tasks like going to Menards or making Amazon returns at Kohls. He should be here enjoying moments of joy and laughter. It doesn’t feel right to be doing these things without him.

I have friends helping fix the house and other friends planting my garden. I have walking friends and friends who just call to talk with me. If I ask for a favor, I can pretty much expect a positive response. I am blessed with a fantastic support system!

But, I have lost my sounding board and partner. While I have a tribe of AMAZING people surrounding me, I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I still feel lonely.

I no longer look forward to weekends and I usually feel relieved when it is bedtime. My mom always teases me because I have always liked to go to sleep each night but now I like it because it’s several worry free hours. It’s an escape from my reality.

Grief is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face. And I have had several challenges in my life. You don’t know when it’s going to hit you and you don’t get a crystal ball to let you know when or if everyone will be okay.

What I DO know is we are doing it. We are putting one foot in front of the other and making progress. We are doing life and I have many of you to thank for helping us along this path.

Jared and Shelby continue to amaze me each day with their resilience and accomplishments during what has been the hardest year of their lives. They are doing life and doing it well! I couldn’t be prouder of them.

So, on the 18th week of missing Steve, I am making a wish for my life. My wish is that moments of joy and laughter will outweigh moments of sadness and that going to sleep will no longer be a means to escape my reality but a necessity to stay healthy and to live my best life. Here’s to 18…