Oct. 24th

It’s been a minute since I’ve written. I tend to write when I’m in “the feels”.

I write to clear my head and hope that maybe it resonates with others.

October 24, 2025 would have been our 26th wedding anniversary.

I’m not overcome by sadness because it would have been our anniversary.

It has been almost 5 years and I’m in a good place in my life right now.

But this date still has significance to me.

A few years ago, I would have received several calls, texts or maybe even visits from friends and family letting me know they were thinking of me.

But October 24, 2025, was just an ordinary day to almost everyone else in my life.

It’s like it was never an important day.

And that part made me sad.

I have moved forward in my life but I have NOT forgotten.

I carry with me a complicated pain, but I am lucky, and most days, I move about my daily life freely without sadness.

But, there are also days when the world feels so very heavy and I’m not really sure why I feel so sad.

It’s been almost 5 years… I should be okay right?

After 5 years, it’s not easy to share the pain of your loss with others because many don’t really understand that although I smile through most of my days, the loss still exists.

I have more “free” than “heavy” days but on October 24th, I felt heavy because I had a lifetime with Steve and somehow, it felt like that life was disappearing.

It is TOTALLY okay and healthy for me to move forward but it doesn’t feel right to forget.

When Steve first passed away, I just remember sitting back and watching the world move forward and wondering how almost everyone else’s life was completely unaffected by the loss of my husband.

It was surreal that I still had to figure out dinner and the laundry still needed to get done.

I wasn’t sure how anything would ever be okay again.

And yet, almost 5 years later things are pretty great.

But, October 24th is still an important date.

It’s the date I became a wife and I married the father of my children.

It was the beginning of one of the most important chapters of my life.

So, while I have moved forward and I am happy, I also need to honor our anniversary and acknowledge the loss.

That is complicated.

It is almost like a balancing act.

Make new memories but don’t forget the past.

Allow yourself to be happy but give yourself permission to grieve.

Yes, it’s been almost 5 years, but at times, it seems like only yesterday.

October 24th will never be just a date to me.

For those of you who travel this complicated journey of grief with me, I see you.

It is okay to move forward AND it is okay to not be okay…..