Just a car

“It’s just a car”

I’ve been repeating that to myself over and over again in an effort to calm my racing heart.

I try to calm my inner voice with new hobbies like crocheting or zentangling..

And it helps, until…. it doesn’t.

Because while I can occupy my mind so that I feel a little calmer, I still need a new car.

Now, you are probably wondering why I am getting all worked up about a car, so I suppose I need to back it up a bit…

Shelby was 15 and on the verge of getting her driver’s license when Steve passed away.

Keep in mind, it was at the height of Covid…

I was already dealing with all of the responsibilities of home maintenance and figuring out how to care for 2 grief stricken children when I realized I had to add purchasing a car, DURING COVID, to my everexpanding job list.

Not sure how many of you remember what happened to car sales during Covid, but as a reminder, it was a nightmare. There were no cars to be purchased. Manufacturers weren’t building cars and people weren’t selling their used cars. And if they were selling their cars, prices were astronomical.

I was terrified. I had taken care of most of the household concerns and chores in the past, but buying a car, that is foreign to me.

And let’s be honest, does ANYONE like to deal with buying a car?

As often happened during this time, things just aligned and I was able to purchase my lifelong friend’s car for Shelby. It somehow worked out perfectly.

It was a Christmas Miracle (in January)!

Fastforward 3 years, and this 2009 Honda has seen better days. I have tried to keep it together as long as possible, but it has become pretty evident that it needs to be replaced. This time, it’s even more important to get her a reliable car because she has to get to and from college.

I wish I could say I took on the task of purchasing a car with enthusiasm and confidence.

But I didn’t.

I cried.

A lot…

Like sobbed uncontrollably..

Had a pretty substantial Marci Pity Party..

I just wanted to have that same miracle happen again…

Maybe someone would just knock on my door and say “I heard you need a car. Here is a reliable car at a reasonable price”?

Unfortunately, that did not happen.

I am embarrassed that I am so overwhelmed by this task. But at the same time, I am trying to cut myself some slack.

It’s January.

Steve passed away January 7th, 2021, and then my dad passed away January 13th 2021.

So, January basically sucks.

And I’m already walking on eggshells in my mind…

Buying a car is literally the last thing I want to be doing.

I need to remind myself that over the past 3 years, I have learned I can do almost anything!

But…I know basically nothing about cars.

I find that the hardest part of taking on a new responsibility is actually taking that first step.

I tend to put new challenges on the backburner and then I lay awake at night worrying about how full my backburner is getting.

I eventually realize I MUST take that first step.

I have no one to do it for me.

Taking that first step in accomplishing anything new is terrifying and it’s even more terrifying when you feel like you are doing it alone.

Somehow, for me, the weight of decision making is so much heavier when you aren’t doing it with someone else. I’ve discovered that one of my concerns in decision making is that if something goes wrong, the onous is totally on me. No one to blame but myself!

But as I’ve done in the past, I pulled up my big girl panties (after my Marci Pity Party) and I am figuring out what steps need to be taken so that Shelby has a reliable car.

I have learned to ask for help when I need it and to turn to knowledgeable people for assistance.

And I am doing that now.

I have learned that when I get in a funk, I need to give myself a little time to grieve and then I can take baby steps to accomplish tasks.

I need to remind myself how lucky I am to have resources and people to help me when I get tied up in my head.

This path has not been an easy one.

Those of you that have dealt with loss can understand that little things often become big things because our hearts are still a little broken.

But, what we need to remember is that life is full of these challenging moments.

While some may be thinking “That’s ridiculous. Needing a new car is not a challenging moment” others will understand that sometimes even figuring out how to fill your tires with air can become overwhelming.

Here is my advice for what it’s worth:

Give yourself a moment to be sad.

Have a “me” Pity Party.

Not a long one… just enough to get a few tears out or to eat a pint of ice cream or to crochet a little scarf.

But then look around you and see what you need to do to take the first step towards solving your problem.

Whether it be putting air in your tires, just leaving the house or buying a new car..

Take baby steps.

If necessary, look for people around you to hold your hand as you try to venture onto new paths.

And always remember… you can do hard things. Just take baby steps.