Growth

A week ago, I had to participate in an interview process for long term life insurance coverage.

Too much adulting these days!

Anyhow, it was a long call full of boring questions. But there was one question that really resonated with me.

“What is your relationship status?”

She gave me the usual options: married, single, divorced etc.

I waited for “widow” but I never heard that option.

I was confident and calm as I said, “I am a widow.”

I heard her pause and think for a moment.

I waited for the typical “I am sorry for your loss.” but she didn’t say anything at all.

She just asked the next question.

It was no big deal at all.

It was just a relationship status to her.

But it meant a ton to me and not for the reasons you would think it mattered.

A year ago, answering “I am a widow” would have put me over the edge.

A year ago, that question would have definitely made me cry and I probably would have had to call my sister to calm me down.

But last week, it was just informational.

It was just an answer to a question.

It was just part of my story.

Like when she asked where I lived or what I did for a living.

It didn’t define me.

That doesn’t mean that being a widow isn’t heartbreaking.

It doesn’t mean that the last 2 years haven’t been difficult nor that life is full of rainbows and unicorns.

It just means that I am living my life.

Losing Steve is part of my story.

An awful, heart wrenching, life changing part of my story.

But it isn’t my whole story.

Here is the real eye opener…

Believe it or not, I think that throughout this journey, I may have become a better version of myself.

I have truly grown as a person.

I have never been a very adventurous person.

I don’t like change and rarely take risks.

But, when Steve passed away, I was forced to take on challenges and to face many of my fears.

Before Steve passed away, I rarely did things independently. And when I say “did things”, I mean things like car maintenance, going on long road trips, home improvement or even meeting with repairmen or contractors.

Over the last 2 years, I have faced these “challenges” with determination and a bit of trepidation.

I have taken my children on long drives to visit my brother and colleges.- still don’t love it but I’m doing it!

I have traveled out of the country with Shelby.-even had to get us passports!

I have dealt with rodents in my home!-Not sure why they decided to come to live with me once Steve was gone but they arrived nonetheless.

I have made home improvements that were ignored for many years.- I’ve discovered how to get things fix things that I didn’t even know were broken.

I have gotten my oil changed and even gone to a car wash on my own.- Those pits in the oil change place terrify me and I have visions of driving off the tracks at a car wash! (I’ll be honest, I discovered the car wash at Woodman’s doesn’t have tracks so I go there…)

I have come to terms with my shortcomings and I am working hard to become a better person.

“Marci Time” is something I will always struggle with but I realize the world does not work on my time frame.

Most importantly, I have a new sense of empathy that I believe one only gains through true loss.

That’s not to say there aren’t wonderfully compassionate people in this world who haven’t experienced loss.

I was a definitely an empathetic person before I lost Steve.

But, I am so much more aware now.

I KNOW what it feels like to have your world fall apart around you.

But I also KNOW that I am now thriving, not merely surviving.

I am hopeful that I am now a person that others find as a safe place to fall when needed and that I provide comfort and an open mind.

Losing a loved one is awful.

It is something that becomes part of your soul.

It forces you to really face and address your fears.

But losing a loved one doesn’t mean you can’t move on and still have an amazing life filled with new adventures, new relationships and life goals.

At first, there may be guilt about moving on, but that guilt is all just part of the grieving process.

You can keep old memories in your heart while still creating new memories.

Moving on isn’t forgetting or dishonoring your loved one.

Moving on can be viewed as a sign of strength and of becoming a stronger version of yourself.

I hate that our lives took this awful turn but I also know that losing Steve doesn’t mean that the next chapter of my life should be full of sadness and regret.

There will still be moments of great sadness.

But hopefully, there will be more moments of growth and pure joy!