Thank You

Two years ago today, I got a phone call from the hospital letting me know that Steve’s kidneys were failing.

The doctor asked for permission to start kidney dialysis.

I was frightened, confused and yet hopeful all at the same time.

They were offering me hope. I grabbed onto that hope with both hands.

Everyone had told me that as long as Steve remained hemodynamically stable (a word I had NEVER known until he was hospitalized), he would be okay.

Failing kidneys meant he was no longer hemodynamically stable.

It was happening.

His body was giving up.

But if the doctors were willing to do kidney dialysis that meant he could fight it. Right?

But only a few hours later, they called back and told us we needed to come to the hospital.

He was not going to make it.

When we got to the hospital, we sat with Steve, held his hands, hugged him, comforted him and cried.

We weren’t sure if he could hear us but we NEEDED to believe that he knew we were there and that we loved him.

I remember seeing a tear slide down his cheek….

The nurse told me that they had put a bunch of stuff in his eyes but in my heart, that tear meant he could hear us.

I remember watching his numbers go up and down.

His heart was strong but his lungs had been destroyed by Covid.

I don’t know how we did it. But my mother in law and sisters in law sat with him until he took his last breath.

The nurse handed us a bag of his things, we checked all of the drawers and we walked out of the ICU.

Defeated and heartbroken.

After 37 days in the hospital, we lost Steve.

Although it has been 2 years since that day, I can still feel it in my soul.

I have learned so much about grief, about my children and about myself.

Honestly, there are days when I don’t even think about what happened.

And then, there are days when I can’t think of anything else.

I am embarrassed to say I spent months not eating and lying in bed because I just couldn’t figure out how to get out of the hole I had fallen into.

I couldn’t watch tv.

I couldn’t eat.

I couldn’t sleep.

I couldn’t listen to music.

I was barely existing.

I was NOT a good role model for my children.

My friends and family made sure that we were cared for until I could get back on my feet.

Everyone was worried about me.

I am so ashamed that I didn’t pull it together more quickly for Jared and Shelby.

But, eventually, I did it.

I got back on my feet.

It wasn’t easy but I pulled myself together.

And I am proud.

I am not proud of ME.

I am proud of my children and I am proud of my family and friends.

I would never be where I am today without all of them.

They are the true heroes in our story.

Before Steve’s death, I didn’t realize how lucky I was to be surrounded by so many amazing people.

So, on the 2nd anniversary of the day that changed our lives forever, I want to thank all of the people that picked me up when I was broken.

Thank you for always checking on me.

Thank you for helping me get back up when I fall down

Thank you for showing up in ways I didn’t even know I needed.

Thank you.