Inside the Window Well

When Steve passed away, I literally went into “Marci Time” overdrive.

I needed to take care of every issue in our house ASAP. Many of these projects had needed to be done for years. I decided they needed to done right away.

The first job I tackled was waterproofing our basement. I left no stone unturned. If the waterproofing company suggested it, I did it. There was no way water was getting into my basement.

Next, I added can lighting throughout the house. Of course, when you add can lighting, you have to repaint…

Yet, I still wasn’t done because I discovered our chimney was falling down and because our chimney was falling down, I discovered my roof was deteriorating…

Oh, and I mustn’t forget my rusting out garage doors which also needed to be replaced.

And wait, let’s add mice to the whole project because I really needed just one more thing to put me over the edge.

We had NEVER had a mouse in this house in all of the 21 years we lived here and yet, I woke up one morning and literally chased a mouse down my hallway.

No clue what I thought I would do if I caught that mouse, but at 2 in the morning, chasing it just seemed to make sense. Perhaps I was returning to my childhood memories of Tom and Jerry….

Then, I thought it was a good idea to tenderize chicken breasts on my glass stovetop. Who would have thought that using a wooden mallet on a glass stovetop would cause it to shatter? So, yep, I then needed a new stovetop.

Last but not least, I came home to my glass shower door shattered all over my bathroom!

So within the year and a half after Steve had passed away, my house had become a never ending project.

And those projects kept me busy. Those projects kept me from facing my sadness.

As I look back, I realize that while I was busy fixing everything OUTSIDE of me, I didn’t have to face what was going on INSIDE of me.

If I just filled my time with “stuff” I didn’t have to face my grief. If I had to stop, and listen to the silence, it was devastating.

I have to admit, it still kind of is.

But, I know I am so much stronger now.

I have learned how to take care of so many things OUTSIDE of me. And I am not minimizing that accomplishment.

But I spent a whole lot of time staying busy so I could ignore what was going on INSIDE of me.

Since things have slowed down, and I am now facing year 2 of being a widow, I need to take a look inside of me.

This has not been easy.

I’ve spent a lot of time listening to podcasts, talking to my therapist and really trying to figure out what happiness looks like for me.

I am often told how strong I am for tackling all of the challenges that have come my way.

I admit, I have taken on a lot of things that were thrown at me with strength, determination and resilience.

But I now think I spent so much time rebuilding my surroundings because I COULD control and accomplish those tasks.

It is much more difficult to control and change my mindset.

I am NOT strong when it comes to controlling my mindset. People say you can choose to be happy and focus on the positive but sometimes, when so much has happened in your life, the happy things are hard to find.

So, I haven’t written in awhile because I’ve really been trying to find myself and my happiness. I am determined to acknowledge my worth and to find my happily ever after.

I originally started writing this blog while Steve was battling Covid. I never imagined it would become a tool to help me heal but it really has.

This blog entry really came about because I looked in the window well in my basement. My basement that I spent thousands of dollars waterproofing. I paid for brand new, custom fitted window wells with special durable window well covers and they even added soil to make sure nothing leaked.

In spite of all of this waterproofing, there is now a large plant growing inside of this custom built waterproof window well! I couldn’t help but ask myself, how the heck did this plant grow, in spite of all of the effort put in to keep water out?

And then it dawned on me. If this plant could find a way to grow in spite of all of the efforts made to keep water out of the window well, then I can find a way to be happy and grow in spite of the adversity that has been thrown my way.

Strength needs to come from within and I cannot just take on projects and constantly be “on the go” so that I don’t have to face my fears.

Being present and still is so very hard for me. But I know it holds importance in my grief journey.

I still try to keep busy and fill my days with people and projects but I have come to realize I need to stop and listen to my heart so that I can continue to grow in spite of difficult circumstances.

I am a work in progress.

Some days are much harder than others, but if that plant can find a way to get what it needs in order to grow and thrive, I most certainly can do the same.