The Quiet

I love to read. For awhile, I wasn’t reading for enjoyment because I really couldn’t “slow down”, relax or be in The Quiet. Those of you that truly know me, know that even before this all happened, I was not one to slow down and relax. I am so glad that I can once again, sit down and read.

I just finished reading The Last Thing He Told Me. I found this quote in the book (which was a really good book by the way) and it really made me stop and think.

“When the world gets quiet again, it will take everything I am not to allow the grief of his loss to level me”.

I vaguely remember the first few weeks after Steve passed away. I know that I basically stayed in my bed unless I had visitors or the kids were home. I’m not even sure what I was doing all day but I just couldn’t do much of anything. The world had stopped for me as I tried to get myself to live again.

Friends visited and were so worried because I was showered and dressed and even doing laundry, but I was an empty shell. I was going through the motions but was truly absent in my life.

I will say, going back to work was what brought me back to the land of the living. I remember people telling me that it might be too soon and that I probably needed more time. But I knew that if I stayed at home in bed, in The Quiet, any longer, I might stay in my sadness forever.

Being back in school, in my safe place was where I needed to be. My school family and my students reminded me that I was still valuable and that I had a purpose in my life.

Once I picked myself up, the race was on. I needed to be busy ALL OF THE TIME. When I say busy, that doesn’t mean social plans or going out. That just means doing something, whether it be organizing, working or going to the grocery store, I didn’t want to stop and experience The Quiet. I couldn’t even really watch tv very well. Sometimes, I would even find myself just walking in circles in my home.

To others, I looked great. I was back to work and started eating again. But, I was still lost and avoiding The Quiet.

Visitors stopped and life returned to a somewhat more “normal” place so it was time to face The Quiet.

The Quiet was not my friend. My therapist told me that I needed to train myself to be okay with being alone and in The Quiet.

But at 53, I’m pretty sure that my personality is set in place and I’m not an “alone” person. I love being with others. I even try to make my kids go to the grocery store with me so that I don’t have to go alone. I sometimes say it’s because I am a middle child and I always had a sibling nearby, but I’m pretty certain that I made that up. It’s just who I am. I like to be with people.

Recently, I have had to face The Quiet more. I can honestly say, some days being in The Quiet is okay. But other days, it is terrifying. When both of my children are out and it’s just me, my dogs and my thoughts, I have to remind myself that I will be okay and that although this life isn’t what I had pictured for myself, I’m doing pretty well and that I have joy in my life once again.

Somedays, The Quiet still brings me to tears but that Quiet that I have spent so long avoiding, has given me the opportunity to get to know who I truly am. I am still scared of my future but I am also proud of all that I have accomplished.

I still question why this has been my fate but I also know that this has brought out a strength in me that I never knew existed.

So if you are out there, grieving and unable to face The Quiet, give it some time. When you are finally able to face The Quiet, grant yourself grace in knowing that The Quiet can be terrifying but it might also be where you find your strength.