Warrior

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. -Bob Marley

That is so very true.

I would have NEVER thought of myself as a strong person.

I am super sensitive, filled with anxiety and basically scared of my own shadow.

When Steve passed away, my sister told me I had a choice.

I could be a victim or a warrior. Daily, she encouraged me to be a warrior.

I had no choice. I have 2 kids that rely on me and there was no other option but being strong.

Somehow, this month, I seem to have lost some of my strength.

I can put on a brave face, but I am scared.

I find myself questioning so many things.

How can I raise these 2 humans all alone?

With winter just around the corner, how will I manage all of the snow?

Am I taking care of everything to ensure our home is safe?

What about our financial well-being?

My mind seems to be constantly spinning.

It’s as if I were living in denial for the last year.

“Pretending” that I have everything all under control.

And after a year, I realized Steve really isn’t coming back and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I am finally facing the reality that his absence isn’t temporary.

For those of you that haven’t lost someone close to you, I’m sure that sounds insane.

Of course, death is permanent.

But I think our minds play tricks on us. To help get through the first year, I don’t think I completely accepted the permanence of losing him.

I’m not saying I’ve spent the last year waiting for Steve to come home from work, but it just seems so much more REAL now.

After going through almost an entire year, I now recognize all of the challenges I must face.

I know I can do it, but this was not the life I envisioned for my family.

I cannot be a father for my children.

Today, I felt like a victim, not a warrior.

I went to the bank to deposit checks that had been made out to Steve. The teller told me that I needed to sign his name on each check followed by the word deceased.

So, I stood in front of a teller and repeatedly wrote Steve Schor – deceased.

I tried so hard to keep it together.

I walked out of the bank using every breathing technique I had learned in my grief support group, just so I could make it to my car without breaking down.

My next errand was taking Jared to the ortho for the first time in awhile. Over the last several years, we have spent A LOT of time at the ortho (2 sets of braces, headgear etc) and they became like family.

Walking through those doors for the first time since Steve passed away was rough.

I saw the sadness in their eyes as they tried to express their compassion without saying much at all.

So, I sat through his appointment with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes.

I wish I were a warrior today, but I felt defeated.

Everyone tells you that grief isn’t linear and that we all go through the process differently.

It is literally the most unfair and difficult process I’ve ever had to face.

I am learning that it’s okay to have a bad day.

There is NO way that I can be a warrior every single day. (Sorry Staci)

Some days, I feel like a victim.

I guess that’s okay because I know I will pull myself together soon, so that I can be a warrior once again.

It’s the only choice I have.