The Last First

It has been awhile since I have written.

I have worked hard on focusing on the present and trying to make sure the kids and I are okay.

We are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of Steve’s death.

It still seems surreal to write that.

I have been a widow for almost an entire year.

I still don’t understand how we got here.

What I do know is that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago.

I’ve spoken with many people regarding loss. One commonality that I have heard over and over again is that the “Firsts are the hardest and that you just need to get past the firsts”.

Thanksgiving was our “Last First” without Steve.

Thankfully, we were surrounded by family and so many of my friends reached out to let me know they were thinking of us.

All of the texts I received felt like warm hugs and reminded me that we are not alone in this journey.

I can’t say it enough times… I am so lucky that I am surrounded by good people

We made it through our “Last First” Thanksgiving.

But in my head, I am constantly replaying where we were one year ago.

On November 27, 2020, Steve started to feel ill and thought he was just fighting a sinus infection but he decided to get tested for Covid “just in case.”

On November 29th, the kids and I lost our sense of taste and smell so we knew it was Covid. Although Steve was pretty sick, his Covid test results hadn’t come back yet. But the reality of his diagnosis was looming above our heads.

On December 1st, I brought Steve to the ER where he was diagnosed with double pneumonia, given a Z pac and sent home. He was still not diagnosed with Covid but they wouldn’t give him another test since he had already taken one elsewhere.

On December 2nd, at 5:45am, I brought him back to the ER and he was admitted.

Steve remained in that hospital from December 2nd until January 7th.

So, I made it through our “Last First” Thanksgiving, but it will never just be Thanksgiving for our family.

While our lives continued to go on and I have learned so much during this difficult year, I still have moments that take my breath away.

I mentally prepare for birthdays, holidays and anniversaries.

I am often surrounded by loved ones to help me get through these challenging times.

But everyday triggers are hard to predict and I feel like THOSE are the hardest part of loss.

You never know when you are going to run into an old friend who might look at you with sad puppy dog eyes because they don’t know how to express their sadness.

You never expect to accidentally make a reservation for 4 and then realize you are a party of 3.

You don’t realize how difficult it is to carry the weight of making all of the parental decisions on your own.

Those are the things I struggle with.

I agree that firsts are hard.

But there are many moments that sneak up on you and bring you to your knees.

THOSE are the hardest moments.

THOSE are the times when you have to dig deep down inside and pull strength from within that you never knew existed.

I am grateful for all of the people who believed in me and picked me up when I was at my very worst.

And I am grateful for the friends that still stand by my side and understand that something as simple as having an oil change may require a pep talk and extra loving care.

Please remember that the first year IS definitely a struggle but that doesn’t mean that after that all is good and life goes on without a hitch.

Everyday moments can be hard and those of us that have lost a loved one have to build up an enormous amount of resilience and strength just to face each day with a smile and courage.

You never truly forget a loved one, you just do your best to compartmentalize your feelings and to move forward in your life.