Moments

It has been 10 months since Steve has passed away.

I have learned so many skills and overcome so many obstacles.

But there are still moments when the wind is knocked out of me.

Moments when I realize this isn’t how I envisioned my life.

Moments when I am so afraid of the future and what it holds.

This week, I had one of those moments. It seems silly and somewhat childish but I had to take Shelby’s car in for an oil change and it terrified me.

You may be thinking to yourself, what’s so terrifying about getting an oil change?

Ready for a good laugh?

I freak out about having to drive my car over the pit. I am a grown woman who has been driving for 36 years and yet, I worry that I won’t be able to center my car over that pit.

Ridiculous. I know.

Getting the oil changed was a drive thru, stay in your car experience. Most people would probably be thrilled with that.

I was basically having a panic attack.

I must have looked terrified pulling in because the guy who guided me in actually gave me a big thumbs up and cheered me on for doing such a great job!

Such a crazy fear.

But it is my reality. Steve knew about it and although he would tease me about it, he would still be the one to take care of car washes and oil changes. (I’m not a fan of lining the tires up at a car wash either.)

This week, I was reminded I have to add these tasks to my long list of new responsibilities.

So, I had a moment.

A moment when I realized how dramatically my life has changed.

A moment that screamed “You are a single mama!”

A moment that reminded me I am not really that strong after all.

A moment that reminded me of my loss.

This week, I was brought to tears because of an oil change.

So I cried and called my sister.

She reminded me how well I was doing.

She reminded me that 10 months ago I wasn’t even eating or sleeping.

She reminded me that I have so many people in my corner.

She reminded me how strong I am and that I have overcome all 3000 plagues that have come my way.

But she also reminded me that I will still have hard moments.

This week, I had a hard moment.

But my good moments far outweigh my bad moments these days.

It’s okay if I cry.

I now know I will survive bringing my car in for an oil change.

I may not LIKE doing it. But I KNOW I can do it.

We are approaching the one year mark of when Steve got sick.

The next few months are going to be difficult and there may be a few more tears and moments of sadness.

But, I know I can handle it.