De ja vu

“Why do bad things keep happening to our family?” That is the question that came from my sweet son’s mouth after he found out that we lost Aunt Carol.

We have lost 3 family members in 10 months.

Unfathomable.

Devastating.

Surreal…

Yet, this is our reality. My Aunt Carol passed away earlier this week. She underwent a routine surgery but somehow got an infection which she was unable to fight off.

She ended up on a ventilator in the ICU that I was all too familiar with.

Although I have found so much strength in the last few months, I could not visit her in the hospital.

I was so disappointed with myself as I knew that my mother and cousin needed my support. But I have also learned that I need to protect myself. Going into that ICU would bring me back to a place that is just too painful right now.

So, I found other ways to love and support my family without destroying myself.

After Aunt Carol passed away, I took off the day and went to sit with my mother as she tried to process the loss of her sister. We sat around her table, drank coffee and questioned how we were dealing with loss once again.

I was the chauffeur to the funeral home and we all sat together to plan the unimaginable.

I was no longer the grieving widow or daughter but I was now an expert in death protocol.

Not a title I really ever hoped to acquire.

Sounds morbid, but somehow it felt good to provide support when I was so helpless while my aunt was in the hospital.

As we sat around the table speaking with the funeral director, we laughed.

We enjoyed chocolate (provided by the funeral home) and shared jokes and funny stories.

During one of the most difficult life moments, we were able to come together as a family and find moments of joy.

So, today, we are going to yet another funeral. It will look different than our last 2 funerals as Covid protocol has changed.

We will actually be able to go into the chapel and more than 10 people will attend (although we will all be masked).

I am nervous about how I will respond because I know as I sit in the chapel, my children and I will be mourning far more that just the loss of my aunt.

But I know we will be okay.

When I try to process what has happened in the last 10 months, I am devastated and can’t help but ask the same question as Jared….

“Why us?”

I have no good answer.

I just have to know that we are good people and as Rabbi Kushner says, “Bad things happen to good people”.

Life is crazy and unfair but it is also beautiful and wonderful.

I don’t know the answer to the question “Why us” but there is a poster in the funeral home that provides a beautiful message:

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Today, we will have to face the sadness and ugliness of life once again, but I am certain there are beautiful times ahead.