A New Chapter

A new school year has begun.

At first, it felt a little strange that everything fell right back into place.

I set up my classroom and met with my team and administrators just like we do every year.

Although my home life had dramatically changed, my school life remained the same.

That was both comforting and disconcerting.

How did the outside world fall right back into sync while my personal life had been completely upended?

After Steve passed away, I spent a lot of time worrying and predicting what my future was going to look like.

Everyone kept telling me not to look too far ahead.

To just take one day at a time.

But that is very challenging for me.

I don’t like change and I need to know that we are all going to be okay.

I don’t do well with sitting home alone with no purpose or plans, so summer vacation made grieving even more challenging for me.

While all of my teacher friends were celebrating their freedom, I felt like I was trapped in a cage of solitude.

To my surprise, summer went by far more quickly than I had anticipated.

Downtime was difficult, and I often found weekends to be unbearable, but I also slowly began to find myself again.

I am starting to realize that I am allowed to be happy.

But this is confusing because feeling happiness sometimes causes me to feel guilty.

I don’t know when it is considered okay for me to laugh and enjoy my life.

Am I dishonoring Steve’s memory because I am no longer curled up in my bed crying?

Simply put, when is it okay to be okay?

I’m not really sure there are answers to these questions because there are no rules and there is no guidebook on the correct way to handle grief.

I only know that right now, we are doing well.

We have found our rhythm as a family of 3 and everyone has seamlessly returned to school.

There is no question that we were dealt a terrible hand.

But that doesn’t mean we are out of the game.

I still have a fabulous family, we are surrounded by a wonderful tribe and I can honestly say that I love to teach.

So beginning a new school year has been good for my family.

It gave us purpose and allowed me to feel pride once again.

I’m even trying to cook nightly dinners and we are eating as a family once again!

I still need to remind myself to slow down, take small steps and to stop trying to predict the future.

But I have learned to speak up for myself and to ask for help and support when I need it.

I am not saying I am no longer grieving.

Grief seems to be a lifelong, unpredictable process.

I am still riding an emotional rollercoaster but I am finding that there are longer spaces between each dip and it is a little bit easier to to regulate myself once I’ve hit a low.

Losing Steve has been a terrible chapter in my life but I cannot let it define the rest of my life story.

I need to push myself to start a new chapter.

My life might not be a perfect fairy tale but I am hopeful that in the end, we will still have a wonderful life story.