Petunias

Throughout this journey, people have told me that I am strong. I don’t usually know how to respond because I’m actually not strong at all.

In fact, I often feel very weak and vulnerable.

I worry, feel sorry for myself and cry.

I was speaking with a therapist the other day and she brought this very topic up. She said, “I bet people say that you are strong all the time. I know you probably don’t feel strong. What I see in you is resilience.”

So, I looked up the definition of resilience and found ‘recovering readily from adversity’ and ‘bouncing back’.

Losing Steve was terrifying. When he got so sick from Covid, I remember thinking and even saying, “I can’t do this alone.”

I was not strong.

I didn’t fearlessly face each day.

In fact, I stopped eating and could barely get out of bed.

Wonderful friends, family and community members brought me meals for months because I just couldn’t get my act together to feed my family.

That was definitely not strength.

I eventually got it together because I HAD to.

My kids needed me. I am the head of a family and it was my responsibility to show my kids that life goes on.

So, I went back to teaching.

When the school year ended, I got a part time summer job to keep myself busy.

I got each of us a grief therapist and joined grief groups.

I went to the grocery store.

I went out with friends.

Not because I am strong, but because I am resilient.

I will not say I am the cover girl for resilience because I have not ‘recovered readily’ or completely bounced back.

But I am getting there.

When I tried to think of a way to explain the difference between resilience and strength, I thought of the petunia plant in my backyard.

I have a beautiful purple and yellow hanging flowerpot. If I forget to water it for just one day, all of the flowers droop and the plant looks dead.

But as soon as I water it, the flowers perk right up and the flowerpot returns to its original beauty.

That petunia plant is resilient.

But I would not describe it as strong.

I could easily knock all of the delicate blossoms right off of their stems.

It just takes a little bit of time and extra support for the flowers to survive. If I don’t give them the attention they need, they will die.

My flowers are not strong, they are resilient. They can bounce back.

Family, friends and time, are my water. They are helping me become resilient.

In spite of having moments of insecurity and sadness, I am bouncing back.

I have met many others who have lost a loved one and it is so very difficult to feel strong after loss.

But we truly don’t need strength.

We need to be resilient to adjust to a new reality.

Surviving the loss of a loved one requires a fight and we need to find our way back to living.

So, if you’ve recently lost a loved one, keep in mind it’s okay to not be strong.

Lean on others when you need to and if you need a little extra “water” to survive, then, drink up!