Life Lessons

Here are a few things I have learned over the past few months:

• Keeping busy doesn’t stop the grieving process. I have taken on tutoring, a part time job, and home maintenance. I go for walks, exercise everyday and meet with friends. Here’s the thing: you cannot outrun grief. I try to keep myself as busy as possible but eventually, I have to stop. It is often in those moments that I feel like I was hit by a tsunami. I am brought back to the reality of losing a spouse and being a single parent. So…. keeping busy is a good strategy, but it definitely has it’s parameters. I am learning that slowing down and self-compassion are key to the healing process. It’s okay to stop and decompress. Even if it is painful.
• I will get knocked down, but I’ll get up again. (Bet some of you just sang a little song lyric as you read that!) Some moments just knock the wind out of you. And it’s usually at unexpected times. The important part is that I keep getting up.
• I have learned how I can be a better friend. I have friends that have been there for me no matter what. They are the friends that understand not to ask, “How can I help?” but instead ask, “What would you like on your taco?” I can honestly say, I’m not sure I was one of these friends before I lost Steve and my dad. I had never truly experienced the kind of pain that comes with losing a spouse and a parent. Now I know I need to do better. I know that the friends and family that have been there for me have literally pulled me out of the darkest places. It takes a truly strong person to stand by someone’s side while they are feeling so broken. I hope I can be one of those strong people.
• I want to be available for others. We all have busy lives, but when you are grieving, your life feels like it has literally stopped. You are in limbo watching everyone continue on with life. In your mind you keep questioning, “How is it possible that the world just keeps moving forward and I’m stuck here all alone?” I now realize how important it is to be available even if several months have passed since the loss. Life does go on, but it is so important to reach out to friends who are grieving. Hopefully, being present can help fill a little bit of the void.
• On the flip side, I have learned to accept people for who they are. Some friends are so uncomfortable with grief that they turn away or don’t even acknowledge your loss because they are fearful of your emotions. I have learned to not be hurt by friends who aren’t reaching out because it truly isn’t about me or our friendship, it is about their own experiences with loss. Friends fulfill different needs in our lives and some friends aren’t the friends you can rely on to help you with your sadness. And that is okay.
• Grief is not linear. I have heard this OVER and OVER and OVER again! It is my least favorite thing to hear. It is so hard for me to grasp that I may feel great one day but the next day, I am literally a puddle of tears. It doesn’t make sense that you can’t just progress and heal. I WANT to move on. I WANT to be able to continue my life without suddenly feeling lost and alone. Most of all, I WANT to know that everything will be okay for my family. But all of that takes time and hard work and as many of you know, I expect my grieving to be accomplished in “Marci Time”. I know that “Marci Time” doesn’t work right now.
• It’s okay to ask for help. I called a very good friend one day because I was feeling particularly lost. I apologized to her for always calling her during my saddest times. She responded with , “What if the roles were reversed and I was calling you when I needed support? How would you feel?” It was at that moment that I realized my truest friends don’t view supporting me as a burden. They view it as an honor. I hope my friends and family turn to me in moments of need. It is a wonderful feeling to be needed. So, it’s okay to ask for help. People don’t know what you need unless you reach out.
• Life is unfair. I cannot keep comparing myself to everyone else. We all have our burdens to carry and mine are pretty heavy right now. But hopefully, I won’t feel like this forever. Writing this blog really helps me put things into perspective and I hope by writing it, I am helping others heal. For whatever reason, I am able to put into writing how many of us feel while dealing with grief. Knowing that I am potentially helping others heal makes the weight of my sadness a little bit lighter. Thank you for reading my blog and following my journey.