It’s Okay to be Okay

I have so many books about grief. I belong to 2 different grief support groups and I have a grief therapist.

But, here is the thing….

I REALLY don’t want to focus on my grief.

I want to focus on the life ahead of us. And that is so very difficult.

With each new challenge I take on, I gain strength and confidence, but I have NO clue what the future holds and that is terrifying.

Believe it or not, I am not a truly confident person. Sometimes, the most insecure people hide behind sarcasm and laughter.

I have so many people telling me how very strong I am.

But I am not. I have no choice but to take on the challenges that face me.

I wish I had a crystal ball and I could see what we will look like in 5 years. Heck, I want to see what we will look like in 5 months.

I am a creature of habit. Change has always been my enemy.

I am now forced to deal with DAILY changes and challenges.

When a challenge arises, I do not have my partner to bounce off ideas.

I have tons of friends and family but it just isn’t the same. Somehow, in this circle of mine, I still feel alone at times.

Each night, I close my bedroom door, turn off the lights and sleep on my side of the bed. (I keep wondering if I I’ll ever move into the middle of the bed…)

I received a book suggestion called Second Firsts by Christina Rasmussen and it is the first book I have read that said I won’t grieve forever. (To be honest, I’ve only read a few pages but it has already really resonated with me.)

Believe it or not, every other book, or resource I’ve read has said the grief will always be there, although it won’t dominate my life.

I have spoken to many grieving people and many say they still cry every day.

I need to know that crying won’t last forever.

When Steve passed away, my sister repeatedly told me, “I KNOW you will be okay.” And I really couldn’t see how.

Six months into our grief journey I now need to believe our future will include more happiness than sadness and that we will be MORE than okay.

I’m not saying we won’t miss Steve forever. We will.

But I need to know that it’s OKAY to be OKAY. (Kind of different than the book It’s Okay to Not be Okay.)

If you have never truly experienced grief (and I really hadn’t until this year), you can’t truly understand how pervasive it can be.

The grocery store is extremely difficult for me. I’m not sure why since Steve rarely went grocery shopping with me. But when I go, I often find myself stopping in an aisle and having to take a moment to catch my breath.

The good news is that at least now, I leave the store with groceries rather than an empty cart.

I also find that weekend nights are very challenging. Somehow, in my head, I have built up these images of all of my friends going out with their spouses drinking and enjoying date night while I sit in my home.

I know that isn’t the reality and that many of my friends are just like me, sitting at home on a Friday or Saturday night, but that doesn’t stop me from building amazing fantasy lives for my married friends.

Then, there are the moments when I feel content. And that is complex as well.

At times, when I am feeling okay, I feel guilty because I’m not sad.

I wonder if people will judge me for smiling or laughing when I just lost my spouse.

I sometimes think I should look like a grieving spouse and not be enjoying the life we are now faced with.

The other day, I had an interaction with Shelby and she smiled at me. It wasn’t a smile over anything dramatic or tremendous.

It was just a heartfelt smile.

I left her room feeling wonderful and wanting to store that smile in my heart.

That’s what grief is.

At one moment, you are barely breathing, not sure how to take another step and then you find your heart because your loved one shares a simple smile and it gives you the strength to carry on.

I am going to try to live by new mantra It is okay to be okay.

Even when you are grieving.