People often describe grief as coming in waves.
I view it more as a roller coaster ride. And to be honest, I HATE roller coasters. I never rode them as a kid and you will never catch me on one as an adult.
Until now…
Grief is a crazy roller coaster ride that no one wants to be riding. You’re buckled in and forced to navigate turns: ups and downs with no way to disembark.
There are days when you are gliding along and doing great but then out of nowhere, you plummet down a steep hill and find yourself struggling to breathe.
That’s how I felt this weekend.
To be honest, I hadn’t been at the bottom in awhile.. We have been gliding along fairly well.
But holiday weekends are rough and I also have so many other looming issues that I need to take care of.
I found myself once again fearful of our future and overwhelmed with all of the challenges we are facing.
There are many things I need to take care of in the house to make it feel “safe” for us.
Steve was our handyman and I didn’t really worry about the upkeep of our home because I felt he would make necessary repairs.
What I didn’t know is just how many things needed to be repaired this year.
As soon as I finish one project, I discover another.
Now that my basement is waterproofed, I have to deal with the chimney.
Once the chimney is done, I need to handle the roof and gutters.
These are all projects I am not knowledgeable about and I didn’t foresee the house needing so much work.
I know NOTHING about home repair and yet I am charged with calling for estimates and talking to contractors and masons.
I need to make sure that no one is taking advantage of me and that I am getting the best price and quality work.
I’m not a huge fan of doing this.
Right now, I feel like I am plummeting to the bottom of the roller coaster ride. I am overwhelmed with all the things I need to do and the amount of money it will take to keep our home safe.
I know that we can do it and that I will slowly climb back up, but it’s hard to see the top when you are all the way at the bottom.
This is when I need to remind myself to take one day at a time and that I have a village to support me.
Doing these projects without the help of Steve is overwhelming and I know that it cannot all be accomplished in “Marci Time”.
That drives me crazy.
I want it done NOW.
While I am not in the greatest spot on our roller coaster ride, we have had many more moments of joy and laughter.
I have been able to go out with friends and enjoy boat rides and shopping excursions.
Even though 6 months have passed, my family and friends are still taking great care of us.
The kids and I have fallen into a routine and we are trying to move on with our lives.
Shelby is turning 16 on Thursday and we are looking forward to celebrating this monumental birthday!
Both Jared and Shelby got jobs and they are looking forward to working together!
I guess we just need to learn to ride the roller coaster and understand there will be many unexpected twists and turns.
The nice thing is that we are not alone on the ride and we are buckled in together.
I’m just hoping that with time, we have more ups than downs and that the ride slows down so we can finally unbuckle and enjoy the rest of our lives.
onedayatatime 