Rainbows

I just did something I NEVER would have done 6 months ago.

Most of you won’t be super impressed with what I did but I’m pretty proud of myself.

I have been trying to clean out my gutters since the Helicopter Apocalypse in the spring.

But lets be honest, I’m 5’2 and no ladder can really get me high enough to take care of this task. (And I am DEFINITELY not walking on my roof.)

Today, when I dropped Shelby off at a friend’s house, I saw men on a roof cleaning out someone’s gutters.

I knew I should stop and get their contact information.

But I was terrified. Because that’s just not me…

I’m not a big fan of talking to strangers.

But it just won’t stop raining here and my gutters are still stuffed with helicopters and gunk.

After the last few storms, I basically have a moat around my house.

So, I drove past the men and stopped at the end of the street.

I did a little self-talk, took a deep breath, turned around, got out of my car and asked them if they could give me an estimate.

You may think that is not a big deal.

But to me, it was huge.

I never would have stopped prior to Steve’s death.

Steve was handy and if he couldn’t fix something, he always had a connection that could do it. I didn’t have to deal with those things.

Now that I am completely in charge of home maintenance, I need to either learn some new skills or ask for help.

Since I’m especially uncomfortable with talking to people I don’t know about things I’m unknowledgeable about, asking for help isn’t easy for me.

So, I’ve had to stretch myself to make sure that things are fixed in our home.

I’ve had to make appointments for waterproofing my basement, had the electricity rewired and I’ve even called to find out about tuckpointing our chimney. (I didn’t even know the word tuckpointing existed until a few months ago.)

These are all things I knew NOTHING about.

But I’ve pushed myself outside of my comfort zone because I HAVE to.

When Steve passed away I wasn’t sure how we were going to survive.

I was the caregiver of our family.

This meant my job was taking care of the kids, the pets and the meals. I was in charge of everyone’s well-being.

The maintenance of our home was not in my job description.

I had NO clue where to begin once he passed away.

Who would plow the driveway? (And of course, this was the year that it just wouldn’t stop snowing.)

Who would mow the lawn?

Who would make sure the back up sump pump was working on rainy days?

Who would fix the sinks when they backed up?

Who was going to be my sounding board when I needed to make decisions?

My friends and family all told me that I would be okay.

They reassured me that I could hire people or ask for help. That I had a tribe that was going to support me.

But I just couldn’t see it through my grief.

I felt like my world was going to fall apart because I was a widow. (That word in, and of itself, is overwhelming.)

But I have found a new strength in myself that I never knew existed.

I’m not saying that I am no longer grieving or that I don’t have some really tough days.

It still seems surreal and there are times that I think Steve is going to walk through the door.

I have days that my anger and sadness are so heavy that it’s hard to even breathe.

And I can’t, for the life of me, understand why WE are the family that lost someone to Covid.

But, I am moving forward and I am doing the best I can.

As I was writing this post, I looked outside and a rainbow appeared.

It seems pretty symbolic that as I am writing about weathering our storm, a rainbow appeared in the sky.

I truly hope there is a rainbow at the end of our storm……