18 Weeks

Steve has now been gone for 18 weeks.

In Judaism, the number 18 stands for life. How ironic that today was the first time I actually counted how long it has been and it turned out to be 18 weeks. I suppose that could be considered one of those “god whispers” moments and I should look at it as a sign that we are supposed to be moving on with our lives although our family has been forever changed.

I can honestly say, that we are doing okay and although each of us has our triggers and moments of sadness, we are doing “life”.

When Steve initially passed away, there were many places I thought I would never visit gain. Menards was one of those places. Yet painting our house forced me to go there. I have to continue with the daily tasks of “life” and for those of you who truly know me, know I couldn’t pass up the 11% rebate.

I also teach and enjoy moments of joy and laughter with my kindergartners. Watching them sing and dance and hearing them talk about loving school warms my heart. I love my job even thought it has been so challenging. Another indication that “life” continues.

Although I am glad that we are moving forward, that comes with a bit of guilt.

Should I still be crying each day? Is it okay for me to laugh and enjoy time with family and friends?

These are difficult questions and people will often say, “Steve would want you to be happy”. Somehow, that doesn’t make any sense to me. He should be here with us doing the mundane tasks like going to Menards or making Amazon returns at Kohls. He should be here enjoying moments of joy and laughter. It doesn’t feel right to be doing these things without him.

I have friends helping fix the house and other friends planting my garden. I have walking friends and friends who just call to talk with me. If I ask for a favor, I can pretty much expect a positive response. I am blessed with a fantastic support system!

But, I have lost my sounding board and partner. While I have a tribe of AMAZING people surrounding me, I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I still feel lonely.

I no longer look forward to weekends and I usually feel relieved when it is bedtime. My mom always teases me because I have always liked to go to sleep each night but now I like it because it’s several worry free hours. It’s an escape from my reality.

Grief is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face. And I have had several challenges in my life. You don’t know when it’s going to hit you and you don’t get a crystal ball to let you know when or if everyone will be okay.

What I DO know is we are doing it. We are putting one foot in front of the other and making progress. We are doing life and I have many of you to thank for helping us along this path.

Jared and Shelby continue to amaze me each day with their resilience and accomplishments during what has been the hardest year of their lives. They are doing life and doing it well! I couldn’t be prouder of them.

So, on the 18th week of missing Steve, I am making a wish for my life. My wish is that moments of joy and laughter will outweigh moments of sadness and that going to sleep will no longer be a means to escape my reality but a necessity to stay healthy and to live my best life. Here’s to 18…